3 Ways Not to Have an Affair on Your Husband
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
Even good marriages run the risk of an affair tainting its sacredness. We’re human and every human can make a mistake. But the “mistake” of an affair has horrific consequences. In Judaism there is the concept of “ruach shtus” which means a spirit of foolishness. This is not just plain foolishness which we are all capable of, but this is a spirit of foolishness—like something grabs us and we get lost in it. It’s like a losing of all intelligence.
Following our heart oftentimes is a good thing—we are not robots and emotions are important. As author Karla McLaren writes so wisely about emotions: “They’re important parts of your ability to think, feel, decide, behave, and act,…” So we need to remember that our emotions do help guide us, but are only a part. Our humanness requires a true integration of wisdom from the mind, body, and heart.
Just because we “feel” something doesn’t make it true. And just because we think something doesn’t make it true.
If you think that you’re not the type to ever have an affair, you’re marinating in a false belief. As a relationship/marriage coach who does Couple’s Workshops along with my husband, I’ve been witness to the unthinkable. I’m speaking of normally wise women and men breaking trust with their partner to indulge in a dream/fantasy that falls apart immediately when exposed. And very often, the marriages these men and women had were good marriages, not perfect, but good and the partners loving and kind. How much more so is the risk when there is dissatisfaction in the marriage that the couple hasn’t resolved yet.
You can avoid this downfall and the risk of ruach shtus by following these 3 tips:
1) Lessen your friendships and emotional intimacy with other men.
In the days we are living in, many lines are being blurred. People are rejecting restrictions and delineations as much as possible. But that is foolish in itself. Creating fences for ourselves helps whatever is important to us to grow in a sacred environment.
Mystical Judaism says that there is a natural attraction between men and women. This potential exists. Even if you think that you would never have an affair, remember the pull of ruach shtus can be very strong and confuse your sense of values. Being emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex, especially if you have dissatisfaction or conflict with your spouse, is risky.
For example: Jenny has a friendly relationship with her co-worker, Nathan. He stops by her desk to just talk and let off steam about things. But recently they’ve both started to share more personal things—Nathan complains and gets sympathy about his dying relationship with his girlfriend and Jenny feels comfortable speaking to Nathan about how disconnected she feels from her husband.
Little by little, she starts to look forward to Nathan stopping by her desk, even a bit giddy. That disconnection from her husband gets stronger and stronger, the distance between them growing more and more. The next thing she knows, she’s having lunch with Nathan, taking his after work phone calls, and the physical attraction that she never felt before for him begins to simmer. There is the perfect mixture of desire and excitement and that sense of folly, foolishness takes hold of her mind and heart—an affair begins.
When Jenny and Nathan’s friendly relationship first began, there was never a thought in Jenny’s mind to have an affair. Her commitment values were just too strong. And she never saw herself as that type of person. Plus, she wasn’t even attracted to Nathan!
Eventually, Jenny’s husband finds out about the fling, and they proceed with a divorce. Now Jenny and Nathan’s relationship becomes a real relationship. But in truth, will all those feelings of love, desire and intense connection remain? Most likely not. Reality hits and all the flaws and idiosyncrasies that Jenny used to love about Nathan all of a sudden feel intolerable to her. She feels trapped and loses respect for him, regretting the fact that her marriage dissolved.
Words of wisdom: Make fences for yourself regarding conversations and friendly relationships with other men—including on social media. Treating people with kindness is a good thing. But be wary of friendly conversations and sharing personal things. Your marriage is a sacred commitment and the boundaries of it deserve respect, humility, and honor. Especially stay away from anyone who doesn’t respect those values and tries to weasel their way in between you and your husband.
2) Understand that desire isn’t the glue that keeps a marriage together.
Desire can come and go. It’s a feeling and feelings flow—they’re energetic in nature. A marriage can’t possibly stay together just based on something so ever changing and intangible as an emotion.
Love can be a feeling but it is also an action, a verb. Behaving loving is a great value.
When desire lessens or even disappears at times, don’t despair, give up, or look elsewhere. Desire isn’t everything.
Hollywood shows us this. Even a quick glance at the covers of glossy magazines at the checkout counters show the everchanging propensity of desire. Marriages dissolving, new partners arriving with all the fresh hope of a first time marriage only to dissolve again—desire chasing desire—the young, the beautiful, the exciting.
As philosopher Alain de Botton says, most movies end after the wedding scene and “..the classic Romantic model has sold us on a number of self-defeating beliefs about the most essential and nuanced experiences of human life: love, infatuation, marriage ..”
Desire doesn’t keep a marriage together—commitment, values, the will to put effort in, doing the tips in my free marriage e-guide, and kindness do.
3) Beware of compare and despair.
Don’t compare your insides (challenges, dissatisfactions, self-judgment) with others’ outsides.
“But they look so happy together.” Okay, maybe it’s true that they are as happy as that pic you’re seeing, but you have no idea what’s going on inside that relationship and home. And not that we want bad for anyone—we don’t and that would be petty— but we don’t know what their struggles are. And if there are few, then that’s great—maybe there is a lot of happiness there. But we are here on different life paths and turning your attention to yours will allow you to stand in your power to make the changes that need to be made in your marriage.
If you’re a woman who would love to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and be empowered as an individual, I can help you achieve that. I offer women personal coaching by way of Somatic Healing sessions as well as a Couple’s Workshop along with my husband, David Feldman, LPC, AMFT. Please schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today.
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I help empower women with vitality and joy in their relationships, careers, and health. I also specialize in helping women recover from trauma, grief, anxiety, and physical/emotional pain ailments as well as access their awesome intuitive powers. Read the latest Mindbody Wellness article: Empowering a New Story the Mindbody Wellness Way and download your free gift e-guide: 3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“Working with Miriam Racquel while I was dating was a transformational experience. I loved how instead of giving me advice, she helped me figure out what I really wanted and what my heart was truly feeling. Working together has helped me realize patterns in myself and others which empowers me to deepen and enrich my relationships. She’s patient and kind and goes above and beyond for her clients. I have so much more clarity and peace of mind after just 3 sessions. Highly recommended!” – F.R., Passaic, NJ
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” –N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
Share with a friend and pass on the light of Mindbody Wellness for all women.
Sending love and blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach
Author of #1 New Release in Women & Judaism and Kabbalah & Mysticism, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife