The Magic of Apology in Your Marriage
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
One of the hardest things to do in your marriage is to apologize. And it’s even harder when you really and truly believe that it’s not your fault, that you did absolutely nothing wrong, and that it is absolutely all his fault. Sound familiar?
I used to have a really hard time apologizing in my marriage. My mind would google all the evil my husband had done to me not just in the situation we were dealing with but with the past as well—all those nonsensical things that he did. How could anything be my fault when I had married such a person as him?!
And my mind was the best googler around—the proofs would be abundant and pile on top of each other.
And then I read Laura Doyle’s advice about apologizing and came across her suggestion to apologize to our husbands. It made me think. Certainly some of the things that I was doing until that point were not bringing connection and peace into my marriage. I started to practice many of her skills, made Empowered circle groups for other women and trained with her as a relationship coach. Though I didn’t substitute my mindbody/somatic skills for her training techniques, I do use her intimacy skills often and suggest them to my clients as well. There is much to gain.
As women, we have the choice to tune into our bodies and use emotional processing and releasing techniques to access the wisdom within our emotions. We can respect what our feelings of anger, resentment, grief, sadness, disappointment, and even joy are telling us. We can make ourselves more safe and trusting of who we are and come home to our bodies.
At the same time, using Laura Doyle’s skills help us communicate more effectively with our husbands. There is less criticism, less shaming and blaming and more gratitude. A much better vibe of positivity and understanding embraces the home. There is increased emotional safety for both husband and wife. With this safety and peace, comes connection, kindness and love.
See if you can relate to this: our minds can google all kinds of evidence to the wrong doings being done to us. And certainly our husbands are not perfect. Even mine being a Marriage and Family therapist is not perfect (although he may disagree!). But in all honesty, we’re human and all of us make mistakes. The beauty in the apology is just taking accountability for what we could have done better and communicated differently. Perhaps we could have processed some of our “shoulding” (PLEASE READ: A Quiz! How Defensive is Your Husband?) energy and chosen a kinder energy. We’re noticing and taking responsibility for how we may not have shown up in our highest selves.
This is what we are apologizing for — we don’t have to take responsibility for the entire conflict that we are having but we can find our parts that participated or added to the negativity that occurred.
Now there is one process that I will not skip—and that is the emotional process. If I’ve been triggered by the conflict or by what preceded the conflict, I will take the time to process and release my emotions (The ROAR Process is great for doing that!). After hearing my body’s wisdom as well as some intuitive, higher self wisdom, I’ll see where I can take responsibility and apologize for that.
Perhaps I requested something from my husband with a touch of resentment or bitterness and my husband felt that wave of intense energy come through the words. People can feel energy even if your words seem neutral. And many husbands in particular are allergic to shaming energy (see article link in previous paragraph).
Perhaps I forgot my husband’s love language and just used my love language and this helped add to the conflict.
Perhaps I was right that he should have, could have, or shouldn’t have…. but is there a little piece that I can own? I desire peace in my home. I desire emotional safety and kindness. I desire connection, a smooth flow of compromise—giving and receiving. Did my words or actions convey that desire or could I have handled it better? And if I had a lot of “should” energy could I have taken the time to do some processing around that?
Sigh. Probably the answer is “yes” to at least one of these pieces. And then this is the space in which I can apologize. This goes a long way in bringing us together.
***A caveat: If your husband is a Borderline/Narcissist —boundaries are needed not apologies (Breaking Free of the Confusion with a Borderline/Narcissist and Emotional Blackmail—What Is It And Why You Need To Know About It).
But if your husband is a regular guy with some shame issues and some allergies to negative judgment then apologizing for your part in the conflict will bring about magical results. Humility is a virtue in marriages where accommodating energy is so important. Here is the mysticism behind that— a quote from my newly released memoir, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife : “When the world was first created, there was chaos—a spiritual space of chaos, with different energies existing. The Kabbalists teach that these energies had no tolerance for each other; they were very aggressive, giving no room for the existence of the other. So then, God made a world of moderation, and that is our world. A world that can accommodate a multitude of energies. A world of collaboration. Marriage is of this energy, an accommodating energy.” P.249
Apology is a great choice to make and your higher self will thank you!
If you’re a woman who would love to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and be empowered as an individual, I can help you achieve that. Schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today!
Exciting news to share! My memoir, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife is out! It was an 8 year long journey of getting it out into the world, but a worthwhile one indeed to share this tale of love, faith, and kabbalistic mystical happenings. Enjoy!
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I help empower women with vitality and joy in their relationships, careers, and health. I also specialize in helping women recover from trauma, grief, anxiety, and physical/emotional pain ailments as well as access their awesome intuitive powers. Read the latest Mindbody Wellness article, 11 Life Lessons I Learned From My Garden. Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”). Looking forward to connecting!
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
“I sought help from Miriam after a long haul of health issues and feeling stuck. She is so intuitive and generous in her support and has a wealth of knowledge and resources. She helped me dive into old traumas and safely sort and move forward. She has helped me reconnect with my body and find peace and joy again. I look forward to more explorations.” – P.W., Massachusetts
Feel free to forward to a friend and share the light of Mindbody Wellness!
Love & blessings,
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer & Relationship Expert