Are You Rejecting Your Husband’s Efforts?
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Miriam Racquel Feldman
About Miriam Racquel Feldman
Posts by Miriam Racquel Feldman:
The Magic of Apology in Your Marriage
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
One of the hardest things to do in your marriage is to apologize. And it’s even harder when you really and truly believe that it’s not your fault, that you did absolutely nothing wrong, and that it is absolutely all his fault. Sound familiar?
I used to have a really hard time apologizing in my marriage. My mind would google all the evil my husband had done to me not just in the situation we were dealing with but with the past as well—all those nonsensical things that he did. How could anything be my fault when I had married such a person as him?!
And my mind was the best googler around—the proofs would be abundant and pile on top of each other.
And then I read Laura Doyle’s advice about apologizing and came across her suggestion to apologize to our husbands. It made me think. Certainly some of the things that I was doing until that point were not bringing connection and peace into my marriage. I started to practice many of her skills, made Empowered circle groups for other women and trained with her as a relationship coach. Though I didn’t substitute my mindbody/somatic skills for her training techniques, I do use her intimacy skills often and suggest them to my clients as well. There is much to gain.
As women, we have the choice to tune into our bodies and use emotional processing and releasing techniques to access the wisdom within our emotions. We can respect what our feelings of anger, resentment, grief, sadness, disappointment, and even joy are telling us. We can make ourselves more safe and trusting of who we are and come home to our bodies.
At the same time, using Laura Doyle’s skills help us communicate more effectively with our husbands. There is less criticism, less shaming and blaming and more gratitude. A much better vibe of positivity and understanding embraces the home. There is increased emotional safety for both husband and wife. With this safety and peace, comes connection, kindness and love.
See if you can relate to this: our minds can google all kinds of evidence to the wrong doings being done to us. And certainly our husbands are not perfect. Even mine being a Marriage and Family therapist is not perfect (although he may disagree!). But in all honesty, we’re human and all of us make mistakes. The beauty in the apology is just taking accountability for what we could have done better and communicated differently. Perhaps we could have processed some of our “shoulding” (PLEASE READ: A Quiz! How Defensive is Your Husband?) energy and chosen a kinder energy. We’re noticing and taking responsibility for how we may not have shown up in our highest selves.
This is what we are apologizing for — we don’t have to take responsibility for the entire conflict that we are having but we can find our parts that participated or added to the negativity that occurred.
Now there is one process that I will not skip—and that is the emotional process. If I’ve been triggered by the conflict or by what preceded the conflict, I will take the time to process and release my emotions (The ROAR Process is great for doing that!). After hearing my body’s wisdom as well as some intuitive, higher self wisdom, I’ll see where I can take responsibility and apologize for that.
Perhaps I requested something from my husband with a touch of resentment or bitterness and my husband felt that wave of intense energy come through the words. People can feel energy even if your words seem neutral. And many husbands in particular are allergic to shaming energy (see article link in previous paragraph).
Perhaps I forgot my husband’s love language and just used my love language and this helped add to the conflict.
Perhaps I was right that he should have, could have, or shouldn’t have…. but is there a little piece that I can own? I desire peace in my home. I desire emotional safety and kindness. I desire connection, a smooth flow of compromise—giving and receiving. Did my words or actions convey that desire or could I have handled it better? And if I had a lot of “should” energy could I have taken the time to do some processing around that?
Sigh. Probably the answer is “yes” to at least one of these pieces. And then this is the space in which I can apologize. This goes a long way in bringing us together.
***A caveat: If your husband is a Borderline/Narcissist —boundaries are needed not apologies (Breaking Free of the Confusion with a Borderline/Narcissist and Emotional Blackmail—What Is It And Why You Need To Know About It).
But if your husband is a regular guy with some shame issues and some allergies to negative judgment then apologizing for your part in the conflict will bring about magical results. Humility is a virtue in marriages where accommodating energy is so important. Here is the mysticism behind that— a quote from my newly released memoir, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife : “When the world was first created, there was chaos—a spiritual space of chaos, with different energies existing. The Kabbalists teach that these energies had no tolerance for each other; they were very aggressive, giving no room for the existence of the other. So then, God made a world of moderation, and that is our world. A world that can accommodate a multitude of energies. A world of collaboration. Marriage is of this energy, an accommodating energy.” P.249
Apology is a great choice to make and your higher self will thank you!
If you’re a woman who would love to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and be empowered as an individual, I can help you achieve that. Schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today!
Exciting news to share! My memoir, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife is out! It was an 8 year long journey of getting it out into the world, but a worthwhile one indeed to share this tale of love, faith, and kabbalistic mystical happenings. Enjoy!
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I help empower women with vitality and joy in their relationships, careers, and health. I also specialize in helping women recover from trauma, grief, anxiety, and physical/emotional pain ailments as well as access their awesome intuitive powers. Read the latest Mindbody Wellness article, 11 Life Lessons I Learned From My Garden. Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”). Looking forward to connecting!
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
“I sought help from Miriam after a long haul of health issues and feeling stuck. She is so intuitive and generous in her support and has a wealth of knowledge and resources. She helped me dive into old traumas and safely sort and move forward. She has helped me reconnect with my body and find peace and joy again. I look forward to more explorations.” – P.W., Massachusetts
Feel free to forward to a friend and share the light of Mindbody Wellness!
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer & Relationship Expert
3 Ways Not to Have an Affair on Your Husband
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
Even good marriages run the risk of an affair tainting its sacredness. We’re human and every human can make a mistake. But the “mistake” of an affair has horrific consequences. In Judaism there is the concept of “ruach shtus” which means a spirit of foolishness. This is not just plain foolishness which we are all capable of, but this is a spirit of foolishness—like something grabs us and we get lost in it. It’s like a losing of all intelligence.
Following our heart oftentimes is a good thing—we are not robots and emotions are important. As author Karla McLaren writes so wisely about emotions: “They’re important parts of your ability to think, feel, decide, behave, and act,…” So we need to remember that our emotions do help guide us, but are only a part. Our humanness requires a true integration of wisdom from the mind, body, and heart.
Just because we “feel” something doesn’t make it true. And just because we think something doesn’t make it true.
If you think that you’re not the type to ever have an affair, you’re marinating in a false belief. As a relationship/marriage coach who works together with her husband, I’ve been witness to the unthinkable. I’m speaking of normally wise women and men breaking trust with their partner to indulge in a dream/fantasy that falls apart immediately when exposed. And very often, the marriages these men and women had were good marriages, not perfect, but good and the partners loving and kind. How much more so is the risk when there is dissatisfaction in the marriage that the couple hasn’t resolved yet.
You can avoid this downfall and the risk of ruach shtus by following these 3 tips:
1) Lessen your friendships and emotional intimacy with other men.
In the days we are living in, many lines are being blurred. People are rejecting restrictions and delineations as much as possible. But that is foolish in itself. Creating fences for ourselves helps whatever is important to us to grow in a sacred environment.
Mystical Judaism says that there is a natural attraction between men and women. This potential exists. Even if you think that you would never have an affair, remember the pull of ruach shtus can be very strong and confuse your sense of values. Being emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex, especially if you have dissatisfaction or conflict with your spouse, is risky.
For example: Jenny has a friendly relationship with her co-worker, Nathan. He stops by her desk to just talk and let off steam about things. But recently they’ve both started to share more personal things—Nathan complains and gets sympathy about his dying relationship with his girlfriend and Jenny feels comfortable speaking to Nathan about how disconnected she feels from her husband.
Little by little, she starts to look forward to Nathan stopping by her desk, even a bit giddy. That disconnection from her husband gets stronger and stronger, the distance between them growing more and more. The next thing she knows, she’s having lunch with Nathan, taking his after work phone calls, and the physical attraction that she never felt before for him begins to simmer. There is the perfect mixture of desire and excitement and that sense of folly, foolishness takes hold of her mind and heart—an affair begins.
When Jenny and Nathan’s friendly relationship first began, there was never a thought in Jenny’s mind to have an affair. Her commitment values were just too strong. And she never saw herself as that type of person. Plus, she wasn’t even attracted to Nathan!
Eventually, Jenny’s husband finds out about the fling, and they proceed with a divorce. Now Jenny and Nathan’s relationship becomes a real relationship. But in truth, will all those feelings of love, desire and intense connection remain? Most likely not. Reality hits and all the flaws and idiosyncrasies that Jenny used to love about Nathan all of a sudden feel intolerable to her. She feels trapped and loses respect for him, regretting the fact that her marriage dissolved.
Words of wisdom: Make fences for yourself regarding conversations and friendly relationships with other men—including on social media. Treating people with kindness is a good thing. But be wary of friendly conversations and sharing personal things. Your marriage is a sacred commitment and the boundaries of it deserve respect, humility, and honor. Especially stay away from anyone who doesn’t respect those values and tries to weasel their way in between you and your husband.
2) Understand that desire isn’t the glue that keeps a marriage together.
Desire can come and go. It’s a feeling and feelings flow—they’re energetic in nature. A marriage can’t possibly stay together just based on something so ever changing and intangible as an emotion.
Love can be a feeling but it is also an action, a verb. Behaving loving is a great value.
When desire lessens or even disappears at times, don’t despair, give up, or look elsewhere. Desire isn’t everything.
Hollywood shows us this. Even a quick glance at the covers of glossy magazines at the checkout counters show the everchanging propensity of desire. Marriages dissolving, new partners arriving with all the fresh hope of a first time marriage only to dissolve again—desire chasing desire—the young, the beautiful, the exciting.
As philosopher Alain de Botton says, most movies end after the wedding scene and “..the classic Romantic model has sold us on a number of self-defeating beliefs about the most essential and nuanced experiences of human life: love, infatuation, marriage ..”
Desire doesn’t keep a marriage together—commitment, values, the will to put effort in, doing the tips in my free marriage e-guide, and kindness do.
3) Beware of compare and despair.
Don’t compare your insides (challenges, dissatisfactions, self-judgment) with others’ outsides.
“But they look so happy together.” Okay, maybe it’s true that they are as happy as that pic you’re seeing, but you have no idea what’s going on inside that relationship and home. And not that we want bad for anyone—we don’t and that would be petty— but we don’t know what their struggles are. And if there are few, then that’s great—maybe there is a lot of happiness there. But we are here on different life paths and turning your attention to yours will allow you to stand in your power to make the changes that need to be made in your marriage.
If you’re a woman who would love to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and be empowered as an individual, I can help you achieve that. I offer women personal coaching by way of Somatic Healing sessions as well as a Couple’s Workshop along with my husband, David Feldman, LPC, AMFT. Please schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today.
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I help empower women with vitality and joy in their relationships, careers, and health. I also specialize in helping women recover from trauma, grief, anxiety, and physical/emotional pain ailments as well as access their awesome intuitive powers. Read the latest Mindbody Wellness article: Empowering a New Story the Mindbody Wellness Way and download your free gift e-guide: 3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“Working with Miriam Racquel while I was dating was a transformational experience. I loved how instead of giving me advice, she helped me figure out what I really wanted and what my heart was truly feeling. Working together has helped me realize patterns in myself and others which empowers me to deepen and enrich my relationships. She’s patient and kind and goes above and beyond for her clients. I have so much more clarity and peace of mind after just 3 sessions. Highly recommended!” – F.R., Passaic, NJ
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” –N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
Share with a friend and pass on the light of Mindbody Wellness for all women.
Sending love and blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach
A Quiz! How Defensive is Your Husband?
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
How defensive is your husband? You may be nodding your head up and down right now knowing the answer, with your thoughts screaming, “very!” And your body may be tensing in memory of the last conflict you had where you were shocked by his response to something that you thought was a simple request or comment. But I’d like you to take a short quiz called, “How Allergic to Shame is Your Husband?” After you’re done, return here and read on 🙂
Welcome back!
So, the higher the score in column B, the more defensive your husband is, meaning the more allergic to shame that he is. Let me explain further: as women, we may be quite perplexed why pointing out great parking spots to our husbands or asking them to take out the garbage when it’s over spilling and it’s their job anyway, may cause an intense emotional reaction on their part. We may even label them as “abusive.” But I’m going to share some insight and tips that I’ve gathered from relationship trainings, including Laura Doyle’s coach relationship training, and somatic/mindbody knowledge that can turn things around.
Any time that you, as a wife, express yourself with an energy or language that conveys your husband did something wrong or has failed you in some way will trigger feelings of shame and humiliation in him. Any time your husband feels negatively judged, it has the potential to cause his nervous system to go into fight or flight— hence snapping at you (a fight response) or escape by shutting down (a freeze or flight response). I love the term that speaker Shterna Ginsberg uses which is “highly allergic” meaning that many men are “highly allergic” to anything that smacks of disrespect, criticism, or judgment of them.
Or as Laura Doyle says, “what is helpful in female language, is controlling in male language.” Men, in general, are raised in a societal environment rampant with teasing, humiliation, and shaming. There can be quite harsh expectations for boys and men to “toughen up, be brave, stop whining, and just deal with things like a man.”
Compassion is not usually expressed to them in educational settings, sports settings, or among male friends. Being teased and being told to “toughen up” leads boys to reject the vulnerability of not knowing how to do things, the vulnerability of getting things wrong, the vulnerability of making mistakes. That vulnerability can make them feel stupid, less than, and ashamed.
Unfortunately, this male culture primes a man’s nervous system to be in a highly sensitive and alert state—they will detect any whiff of negative judgment or disrespect. As wives, we may unknowingly activate this highly alert state of our husbands with our tone, our complaining, our criticism, our judgment and our expressions of disappointment or feeling let down by them—all indications that they have failed us somehow.
When a highly allergic husband smells his wife’s disappointment or lack in him, it will trigger a shame attack and he may lash out at you. Imagine a trapped and wounded stray dog that bares its teeth. That’s the fight response.
Or imagine a little boy who got a poor grade on a test and his father shakes his head in disappointment and scolds him for not doing well enough, not trying hard enough, or not being smart enough. The little boy wants to slink away in shame. He finds a corner to curl up and brood in and builds up armor so that he’ll never be hurt again. We can see this same reaction in a husband shutting down. He may leave the scene physically or emotionally or both, closing his heart to you. That’s the flight and/or freeze response.
As a woman, perhaps you have also experienced being criticized and shamed. These are not exclusive to the male experience. The difference is that women tend to be relationship-oriented beings, so they’ll go to their friends and share their feelings when hurt. They’ll cry and get empathy, compassion, and nurturing.
But in the male culture, it is admired to be stoic and brave. Most boys will keep their feelings in, not sharing with anyone that they are sad and hurt. They want to just keep up the tough exterior that they’re ok and that nothing (and no one) can touch them. Vulnerability is a big no-no for boys and men. Hopefully, we can change that as we raise our sons, and also change the education system, but many of our husbands have been raised being shamed for their vulnerability, rather than encouraged and supported in dealing with their pain.
I believe that the key to healthy marriages in which intimacy, connection, and joy can grow is to nurture emotional safety in the relationship. Emotional safety can be judged by the state of the nervous system.
Our nervous systems have different settings and in this context, here are two which are important to be aware of:
1) A relaxed, safe-feeling state—no danger around, rest and digest, all is well.
2) An alert, defensive, and alarmed state—fight, flight, or freeze—the person feels the need to protect themselves, not just physically, but emotionally because their state of being is in some way being threatened.
We are all walking nervous systems. What state do you think joy, love, connection, partnership, and intimacy will grow in?
If your husband is constantly feeling under attack and is highly allergic to feeling shamed and judged, then he will fight back, shut down, or walk away. Now, you may have just asked him to do the dishes. What could be the problem with that?! Nothing—except for the fact that he may be primed for defensiveness (from childhood/societal wounding) in his most intimate, vulnerable relationship.
If the score was high for your husband being very defensive, meaning that he is “highly allergic” to shame, then the tips I’ll be sharing will be very helpful in nurturing more emotional safety in your home, resulting in more peaceful interactions with your husband. This will provide you with a more relaxed nervous system as well.
You may be asking why you need to make these changes and not your husband, but know that you two are a team, and since I’m only speaking with you, dear awesome woman, then it is only you who I can ask to make the shifts. My husband and I have a Couple’s Workshop and that engages both partners. As active participants, the husbands in those programs receive guidance in making changes to create emotionally safe marriages for their wives.
(I also want to note that if your husband has extreme Borderline/Narcissistic traits, then that is a much more serious discussion and even the best tips may not help the marriage. You will need one-one help for discernment and problem-solving solutions. I’ve helped many clients in these circumstances so please reach out for your 20-minute free Clarity Call to discuss how I can help.)
So what can we do?
For a husband who is highly allergic to shame, that little humiliated boy sits inside that mature man’s body, and in an intimate relationship they will lash out or shut down if they even smell the energy of criticism and negative judgment.
As wives, we don’t want to trigger that shame. It certainly does not lead to an emotionally safe atmosphere for our husbands. But if you’re like me, you may not have known that you were triggering any of this in your husband. Growing up in modern society, I was encouraged to speak my mind and be completely honest. “Say what you think!” was the given philosophy when I was growing up. But guess what? That is a terrible philosophy for marriage (and just about any relationship).
It’s not that we should shut down our own voices, but we can choose to use our voices wisely. There are words we can use to try and get our needs met in a more respectful manner. There are words and energies we can use to encourage and support rather than put down. These shifts that we make as women can create an atmosphere of emotional safety for both ourselves and our husbands. Let’s choose to create a more loving space for the microcosm of our marriage.
I’m sharing 2 tips here (with extra thoughts added) from my free marriage e-guide and when you implement these insights, your marriage will change. Peace and wellness will increase for both you and your husband. Please be sure to read the full e-guide (6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!) to benefit your marriage.
1) DROP THE “SHOULD” ENERGY & SAY IT DIFFERENTLY
Many studies where men are interviewed indicate that a husband’s deepest desire is for his wife to be happy. Now at this point in your marriage, you may be shaking your head, saying, “no way,” but as mind-boggling as this can be, it is what studies show.
I believe that when we up our vibe by making certain Mindbody Wellness shifts, we will see our husband’s desire to make us happy show up as a reality in our marriage.
One way to do this is to drop the “should” energy in your marriage, and then let your husband know what you’d like in a respectful way.
Tune into your body for a minute and feel what “should” energy does inside. Try filling in the blank sentences: “My husband should ….” Do you notice the physical sensation of tightness or tension? A furrowing of the brows or a clenching of the jaw? “Should” is an aggressive energy, whether we direct it inwards towards ourselves or outwards towards others.
Now drop the “should” energy and tap into your desires. What is it that you want? Do you want to go out to dinner? Do you want more help around the house? Do you want the bills paid on time? Try saying it this way:
“I’d love to go out to dinner. I’d love to try that new restaurant out.”
“I love when the bills are paid on time. I feel so much safer that way.”
“I’d love help with food shopping. I’m so tired after work (or after taking care of the kids).”
You may notice a softer energy replacing that tension energy of “shoulding.”You’re also telling him what your desires are without using the word “you” which could feel bossy, naggy, and controlling to a man. Expressing this way takes getting used to, but can make a world of difference. It definitely will feel more respectful to your husband.
2) APPRECIATE YOUR MAN
Women are discerning creatures. We can easily see what needs to be fixed, corrected, and changed. Including our men. But your husband wants to feel like a winner in your eyes, not like someone who always needs fixing. Not like a project or something on your to-do list.
Though feelings need to be acknowledged and felt (not ignored or suppressed) the energy of gratitude also needs to be experienced and sprinkled abundantly into a marriage. Using the ROAR! Process will help you process anger, frustration, and resentment so you don’t get stuck in those feelings. It’s also important that you acknowledge your sadness, fear, and disappointment because emotions are “energy in motion” and need to be noticed as physical sensations in the body for wisdom to be heard.
All that being said, gratitude has a very high energetic vibe. Acknowledging the good that your husband does and how it makes you feel and then communicating that to him can cause tremendous positive shifts in a marriage.
What do you see right in your husband? If you had the mantra, “Never take anything for granted” what would you notice?
Does he work? Do you have a roof over your head because he has a job, pays the bills on time? Does he clean up sometimes, cook a meal? Does he drive carpool, bathe the kids, play with them? Then tell him you appreciate these things.
For example:
“Thank you so much for working so hard. I appreciate your desire to support the family. It makes me feel loved and protected.”
“I see how important it is to you to bring laughter in the house. I love how you horseplay with the kid. Thank you.”
“I really admire your tenacity. Dealing with that roofer was difficult, but you didn’t give up. Thanks for taking care of that.”
I love what Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot, shares in a Vanity Fair article:
“In the Jewish culture there’s a prayer that you’re supposed to say every time you wake up in the morning to thank God for, you know, keeping you alive,” Gadot explains, referring to the Jewish prayer, Modeh Ani. “You say ‘modeh ani’, which means ‘I give thanks’… So every morning I wake up and step out of bed and I say ‘Thank you for everything, thank you, thank, you, thank you…Nothing is to be taken for granted.”
Obviously, your husband is not G-d, but it is so important to take nothing for granted from anyone!
So, for this tip—never take anything for granted and tell your husband how the things that he does or the qualities he has makes you feel safe, loved, and protected. Author Martha Beck once asked a white water rafter how he avoided the rocks. He replied that when you pay attention to the space between the rocks that is where your boat takes you.
Choose to sprinkle gratitude into your marriage—what you put your attention on will cause more energy to flow in that direction and your husband will want to show up more and more as the winner he truly can be in your eyes.
If you’re a woman who would love to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and be empowered as an individual, I can help you achieve that. Somatic healing sessions are the way. Schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today!
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I’ve had the privilege of working with amazing clients worldwide. Each one discovers the healing powers of their bodies, the wisdom of their emotions, and the deep connection to their intuition as well as developing skills to create a marriage they love. I also specialize in helping women recover from trauma, grief, anxiety, toxic Borderline/Narcissistic relationships, and physical/emotional pain ailments. Here are some Mindbody Wellness resources for you and looking forward to connecting!
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
Feedback from a happy client in the Couples Workshop my husband, Dovid, and I run together! “Dovid, I want you to know that after working together with you and Miriam, my marriage is just so much better. I feel more secure, more loved, and more connected to than ever before—even more than while we were dating.” – A.S., Michigan
“Miriam helped me access my own strength. She teaches practical techniques in a balanced way that helped me zoom into my own inner wisdom. Her work is focused, orderly, and most important, she didn’t try to do the work for me. But, helped me tune into to my own inner strength and voice. And from there build healthy relationships with myself and with others.” – Anonymous
“I worked with Miriam for six sessions. It has helped me enormously with many issues. I have been able to make changes in relationships and release pain from trauma. Miriam has taught me tools to use regularly to release tension. These tools are simple and quick which makes it easy to implement them. I am very glad that I reached out to Miriam. Her warmth, kindness and understanding are truly comforting!” – G.K., California
Feel free to share and spread the light of Mindbody Wellness into the world!
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer & Relationship Expert
Lean Into Your Husband
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
Reading Julie Andrews’ memoir gave me an insight not only into this famous star’s life but further insight into relationships. Unlike the fantasy and lightness of the many roles that she played, her childhood was extremely taxing and difficult. Julie speaks about it in a very dignified way, congruent with her personality, but it’s obvious to the reader that her early life was not full of roses.
What struck me as one of the most interesting parts of her story was the role one of her fathers played in her life. I say fathers in plural because she did have three—one was biological that she only knew of much later on in life, another was her stepfather who brought much havoc to her upbringing (along with her mother’s poor choices) and the most important one, Ted Wells, was the one she always thought was her biological dad—the one that was married to her mother when she was born.
Ted Wells was a true hero. Julie refers to him as the “rock” of the family because he took on many burdens that were truly not his to carry. He did this with a warm and compassionate spirit, in spite of the affairs that his wife (Julie’s mom) had. Eventually he and Julie’s mother divorced and yet he remained very active in Julie’s life, saving her from many difficult circumstances. He did this knowing full and well that Julie was not his biological daughter, information that he never shared with her.
He was a beautiful male presence in this star’s life and the stability and values that he brought to her world and those of her extended family were extraordinary.
Sometimes we can look at our husbands and not appreciate certain qualities of theirs. We can see so many things lacking that we are blinded to their ability to be an anchor in our lives. But this is a huge thing for women—stability means safety and safety is the vessel in which the female can really thrive. Being anchored in safety and stability, she can have a home, children to nurture, a landing place to express her creativity, and space to grow her own career choices and talents.
Author Laura Doyle emphasizes in her books for women to practice receiving. One of the things that we can receive from our husbands is their ability to bear many things on their shoulders and to see things from a male perspective as well as handle things from that perspective. There is so much strength there.
Instead of trying to carry things alone, in the independent way that society emphasizes, we can choose to lean into the male presence in our lives. We can take moments to appreciate this strength and this stability that they bring to our lives and tell them so.
Using the tips from my marriage e-guide, “6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!” and blog posts at YourMarriageMagic.com, you can increase the emotional safety in your relationship and gain a more expanded vision of your husband. And with this expanded vision, you can enjoy leaning into his position as an anchor in your home.
How can you lean in?
Thank you for reading! I’m so excited that you’ve joined me on this Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness path where it’s not all talk, but an integration of your mind, body, and soul wisdom. I offer Marriage Magic sessions when you desire to increase the emotional safety, love, and connection in your relationship. Please schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today.
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I’ve had the privilege of working with amazing clients worldwide. Each one discovers the healing powers of their bodies, the wisdom of their emotions, and the deep connection to their intuition as well as developing skills to create a marriage they love. Read more Mindbody Wellness @ MiriamRacquel.com and download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“Working with Miriam Racquel while I was dating was a transformational experience. I loved how instead of giving me advice, she helped me figure out what I really wanted and what my heart was truly feeling. Working together has helped me realize patterns in myself and others which empowers me to deepen and enrich my relationships. She’s patient and kind and goes above and beyond for her clients. I have so much more clarity and peace of mind after just 3 sessions. Highly recommended!” – F.R., Passaic, NJ
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
Sending love and blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach
3 Self-care Tips For a Happier Marriage
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
Why does upping your self-care make for a happier marriage? Because in reality no one can make you happy but you.
We’d love to put it on our husbands and make them do it—“if only he did this, then I’d be happy”; “if only he was more like this, then I’d be happy.”
But love and happiness are inside jobs. And it can take tremendous effort for some people depending on their personalities and circumstances in life. This being true, it can still be done.
And because life is ever-changing, we’ve got to pick ourselves up often, dust off the dirt, and strengthen those resiliency muscles we’ve got. Self-care in the way of boundaries, creativity, and wise choices is the way to up your own vibration which makes for a happier marriage since you are one half of the equation.
Here are 3 Mindbody Wellness tips to up that self-care:
1) Do get creative
Part of my healing journey in my marriage as well as in my everyday life had to do with expressing my soul. Many years ago, I had terrible aches and pains (see my About page) all over my body, and running around to chiropractors, doctors, and massage therapists only temporarily helped the pain. But my body was asking me to do something different—I had to go on an inner journey, explore my relationships with honesty, explore my emotions with grit and express creatively. I wasn’t such an artist but doing simple collages, drawing with watercolor paint pencils, painting rocks, and weaving nests was a balm for my soul. This kind of creative expression was fun and uplifting because I put no pressure on myself. Even the collages were not vision boards that can add that dreaded “should” word (The Danger of the Word “Should”). and create tension in the body.
So go ahead and get creative. You can even gather a few kind friends or acquaintances and shmooze as you create together. I’ve done this as a monthly new moon gathering (now we do over zoom, but either in person or in virtual works!) with a few women for years now. It’s a bonding time for all of us plus a way to express our souls!
2) Do Bag, Barter, or Better
These are the 3 B’s from author Martha Beck. She suffered from terrible body pain until she came up with this solution for herself.
“Bag” means not doing something that drains your energy. Put simply, if you can bag something that doesn’t bring you joy or temporarily put it aside, then do so. Do you really need to obligate yourself to the PTA fundraiser when you’re taking care of little ones and suffering from back pain? Back pain and many other aches and pains are often mindbody symptoms of repressed feelings.
Maybe some people at the fundraiser are nasty people to be working with anyway—their gossiping energy is draining. That would be something to “bag” for sure! Will you be judged unkindly for un-volunteering? Maybe. But then are those the kind of people that you want to be around? If they’re energy vampires, then saying “no” frees up your health and energy for other positive things in your life. Choose wisely, my friend.
You can even “bag” something for a while or another day. Do you really need to run to the store now or can you take a moment of fresh air self-care with a short, slow walk around the block? Even “bagging something” for an hour and choosing to get some nature in or a short rest on the couch can be a step up for better health.
“Barter” something that drains your energy means getting help — either paid help or doing an exchange. Can you get some cleaning help? Even once a week can make a difference if it’s too much to do all yourself.
Can you join a carpool to lessen your load? Or even pay someone to drive? I once hired a driver to do my carpool for a month when I had a new baby, a toddler who napped, and a few kids in school. It was a great help.
Can you get your kids to help out more? Perhaps find a creative solution.
“Better” means exactly that. You have something to do that you don’t enjoy, but you’re choosing to do it for long-term benefits or because it matters to you, so you better it. Can you better that trip to the store by listening to soothing music or a comedy audio that makes you laugh? Then great! Put those headsets on and make your time at the store better because you’re listening to something you love.
Bring a chocolate bar or a good book to the doctor’s office to sweeten the visit. This is choosing to “better” the experience.
Also, one technique I use to “better” things is to do them in chunks of time. If I have guests coming, I won’t do the marathon thing of cooking all at once. I’ll do some shopping one day, prep the following day, and cook another day. This really helps me preserve my energy and keeps me more joyful.
Find what works for you and increase the quality of your life by being very mindful and wise with your time and energy.
3) Do up your gratitude
Get a whiteboard or a journal and jot down this phrase: “Never take anything for granted” and then list about five things that come up for you. You’ll be amazed by if what was here today was gone tomorrow, you wouldn’t have taken it for granted. Do this in the morning or before going to bed. Do it a few times in between—it takes a few seconds literally but has the benefit of putting your mind in a good direction and ups your vibe. If you’ve got complaints, then use the ROAR! Process to release frustration, resentment, sadness, grief, and trauma, because those things should not be ignored even while you are upping your gratitude for life.
These 3 self-care tips are essential for helping you stay in your own lane of the highway and up your vibe which ups the vibe of your marriage. You’ll complain less to your spouse, he’ll get fewer messages of how wrong he’s getting things (please see article—“Your Husband Needs to Know What He is Getting Right By You”), and the vibe of your health and marriage will go up!
And please remember to celebrate yourself throughout the day—Arms Up! And Cheer Yourself On!
Thank you for reading! I’m so excited that you’ve joined me on this Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness path where it’s not all talk, but an integration of your mind, body, and soul wisdom. I offer Marriage Magic sessions when you desire to increase the emotional safety, love, and connection in your relationship. Please schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today.
As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I’ve had the privilege of working with amazing clients worldwide. Each one discovers the healing powers of their bodies, the wisdom of their emotions, and the deep connection to their intuition as well as developing skills to create a marriage they love. Check out Client Love here!
Discover more Mindbody Wellness resources here including your free gift e-guide: 6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!
Warmly,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach
Your Husband Needs to Know What He is Getting Right By You
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Newsletter
Dear Awesome Woman,
The potential of male and female relationships is like atomic energy. When used in a positive and holy way, there is nothing more powerful and precious. However, when used recklessly, without sacred context, it can be the most destructive force in existence.
—Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, The Lubavitcher Rebbe
I was reading about Queen Elizabeth the other day and saw that one of the turning points of fate was that her Uncle, King Edward VIII, had abdicated the throne. Following curiosity, I looked up why that was and saw that it was for love.
King Edward had left the throne because his heart went towards a woman who had been twice-divorced and the law of the land was that he could not remain king and be married to a divorced woman.
I’m not making commentary on choices made—there are articles that claim they were happy together as a couple and ones that proclaim that she grew tired of his love and loved another (she had been married at the time they had originally fallen in love and so this pattern would not come as a surprise). Why I’m sharing this is because it brings home the fact of what we all know to be true—love is a very powerful thing. It can create and it can destroy. Huge decisions are made from this incredible emotion.
True to the statement from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, love is an atomic force.
When a man and woman bind themselves together in holy matrimony, there is a sacredness to it. It’s not a random choice, nor a random commitment.
And because life is mysterious and ever-changing, there will be ups and downs, and times of peace as well as conflict throughout the marriage. How do we hold onto these ties that bind us together? How do we stay in it for the long run?
My belief is that marriage is a skill. Sure, it is also important who you pick to marry, but if you haven’t picked a *Borderline/Narcissist then most partners are just regular like you—with faults, wounds, and weaknesses. In Judaism, there’s the concept of finding your beshert—your soul mate— and the idea is that the souls were one in the spiritual realms and split into two when coming down to this world as souls in bodies. Getting married means that you have found the other half of your soul.
As wonderful and romantic as this sounds, it does not mean that things are easy just because a husband and wife have returned to being one soul. One soul, two bodies. And bodies are complicated. A physical form here on earth comes along with ego, personality traits, preferences, values, and notions about life. There are also obvious hormonal and physical differences between men and women.
The ethereal soul parts of us may be thrilled that they have found one another again here in this lifetime, but the bodies are trying to figure all this out. How can we get along with all these differences? And how can we keep that love for each powerful and precious? What skills can we use?
Since my clientele is mostly women, I’m speaking to you, dear awesome woman, and the shifts and tweaks that you can make to create a marriage you love and one that lasts. My husband, a marriage and family therapist, and I do Couple’s Workshops where both the husband and wife are being counseled on how to up the vibe of their marriage and make changes for lasting peace and love. But here I’m only speaking to you and what you can do—and an individual can do a lot. When I went on my own self-help health journey many years ago, making individual changes within myself, my whole outer world changed for the better. And as women who are relationship beings, making shifts in our communication and energy can produce wonderful changes in our marriages. As I said, I believe marriage is a skill, and upping your marriage skills can create one that you have much joy and love in.
Here’s the skill that I’m focused on in this newsletter: Letting Your Husband Know What He’s Getting Right By You
We can call it appreciation and gratitude, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a way to open a tremendous flow of love and connection between you and your partner.
We are all walking nervous systems. We can walk around being shut down like in a freeze response; we can walk around in a high alert state, being extremely defensive or on high guard; or we can be mostly in a calm and relaxed state, feeling that life around us is basically safe and friendly. The way the news portrays things, the greater world outside of us can have a large amount of trauma and drama to keep us up at night. But we are empowered to help create homes that are safe havens for our loved ones. Nurturing emotional safety is key to doing that and having a kind and loving marriage in which our partners feel seen, heard, and loved is an incredible thing.
Your husband needs to know what he is getting right by you. He needs to feel successful in his relationship with you. When people feel successful, they want to increase that success. Every day, share words of gratitude with your husband. At least once a day if not more. Each expression of appreciation is a gold coin in your marriage bank account.
As women, we can be very discerning creatures and we can all too easily list and point out all the ways that our husbands are getting things wrong or failing to succeed in life and in marriage. This is an unkindness to both you and him.
Where your attention goes, your energy and power go. For this skill, look and see even the smallest things that your husband is doing that you can appreciate. And then tell him. As Martha Beck once shared from her conversation with a white water rafter about avoiding the rocks, “If you pay attention to the rocks, then, bam!—that’s where you’ll go. If you pay attention to the space between the rocks, then that’s where you’ll go.” Focus on paying attention to what your husband gets right. Go towards that light and flow.
This being said, we also don’t want to ignore the rocks. As a Somatic Healer, I always encourage my clients to get honest with themselves (not necessarily with their husbands—please see my article—”Is Honesty the Best Policy in Your Marriage?”) and process their emotions. It is very important for your nervous system to not suppress your feelings, your emotions, your fears, your complaints, your dissatisfactions, your disappointments. I recommend a somatic release process that I developed called the ROAR! Process for making sure that emotional energy and resentment do not get stuck in your body. Suppression is a big no-no.
If you’re having difficulty finding things that you appreciate about your husband, let’s look at it this way. Put your attention on the things that if you didn’t have them, G-d forbid, you’d feel the loss big time. We don’t always appreciate our hearing, our sight, and our sense of smell, and yet if they were to deteriorate, we would miss them. When relationship author Laura Doyle started to focus on the little things that her husband was getting right (though there were plenty of things that bothered her), her whole marriage shifted. Appreciation and gratitude have tremendous energetic vibes and can heal and uplift many situations.
Ask yourself these questions to get a paradigm shift (and again, please do the ROAR! Process if lots of resentment and anger are coming up for you):
Does your husband take out the garbage?
Does your husband work and bring in money?
Does your husband cook a meal or two?
Does your husband do homework with the kids at times?
Is there a character trait that you love about him? Maybe one that you’re lacking or slacking in and he brings it to the home?
SAY THANK YOU! TELL HIM WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU!
“Thank you for taking out the garbage. I love that you care about our home.”
“Thank you for working and paying for stuff that we need. I feel taken care of and I love how responsible you are. I don’t take it for granted.”
“Thank you for cooking tonight. It helped me relax knowing that dinner was taken care of.”
“I love your ambition. It brings excitement to our lives.”
“I love your integrity. I appreciate that value in our home.”
When I do this with my husband, my husband gets to feel that he has done things that add to my happiness. He gets to hear from someone in his world that he is getting things right, that he is successful as a person. My husband also has gotten into the habit of sharing his appreciations with me—he’ll say them or message them. This is a win-win for everyone in the family. We have gratitude practices that we share often at mealtimes, where we go around the table and tell each member of the family what we appreciate about each other. What a gift! The positive vibration in our home is so much higher as a result. There is warmth and kindness between the siblings and they can feel our love.
How about trying this skill starting today? Text, write or say three appreciations to your husband every day this week. Positive energy has lasting vibrations. Gratitude ups your vibe and that of your marriage.
Remember— you have the power to add gold to your marriage.
*Of relevance: There are exceptions to everything and there are unfortunately some marriages that may not be viable no matter how much gratitude you share, no matter how much effort you put into trying to create emotional safety with your husband. If he is a Borderline/Narcissist, expressions of gratitude won’t work because of entitlement and power/control issues. Your attempts will be met with meanness and cruelty, and it’s best to work with a qualified coach or therapist who knows how to help you. Please download “Escape From the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web” which can be accessed along with your free Mindbody Wellness gift e-guide, “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way”
Need a helping hand? Schedule your 20-minute free Clarity Call today. As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert, and Clarity Coach, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Stress and pain relief, trauma processing, marriage magic, dating help, career shifts, Narcissist/Borderline-relationship detoxing, and goal setting can all be accomplished through Mindbody Soul sessions (by phone). Each session creates quantum energetic shifts for healing, insight, and transformation. You have so much wisdom and it’s all within you!
If you’d like more love and fun in your marriage, download your free gift e-guide: 6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!
If you’re dating, there are beautiful resources for you as well (and they include the red flags to look out for to avoid the narcissists!).
For less burnout and greater health in your life, I invite you to Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“Working with Miriam Racquel while I was dating was a transformational experience. I loved how instead of giving me advice, she helped me figure out what I really wanted and what my heart was truly feeling. Working together has helped me realize patterns in myself and others which empowers me to deepen and enrich my relationships. She’s patient and kind and goes above and beyond for her clients. I have so much more clarity and peace of mind after just 3 sessions. Highly recommended!” – F.R., Passaic, NJ
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
“I came to Miriam looking for help recovering from a painful breakup with a covert narcissist that I’d been suffering over for far too long. I realized that I’d not only been struggling from my most recent relationship but also from my childhood relationship with my father, which I thought I’d dealt with years ago. I learned that I had energy stuck in my body from real traumas I’d experienced, which talk alone was just not able to process. Miriam helped me with real-time processing in my body and clearing the immediate pain, as well as healing the source of my unhealthy relationship choices, and gave me tools for compassionately helping myself when difficult emotions arise in the future, leaving me feeling stable and self-assured about myself and my future.” – T.H., Colorado
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer & Relationship Expert
Does Your Husband Feel Safe With You? 3 Tips To Create A Marriage You Love!
Dear Awesome Woman,
What a strange question I’m asking—does your husband feel safe with you? And yet, the answer is quite simple—if he shuts down a lot, is irritated a lot, is afraid to make decisions, or spends little time with you, we can infer that he is not feeling that emotionally safe with you. I’m not talking about Borderline/Narcissist cases where the husband is manipulative, controlling, mean, and raging nor am I talking about a husband whose pressures at work are overwhelming. I’m talking about a regular, mostly kind and generous man who is nervous or shut down around his wife because if he makes the wrong decision, loads the dishwasher not the way his wife wants him to or is always being told that he’s not doing enough, gets in trouble.
We are all walking nervous systems and there are different dial settings. Here are a few to be aware of:
—A relaxed, safe-feeling state—no danger around, rest and digest, all is well.
—An engaging friendly state of social engagement.
—An alert, defensive, and alarmed state—fight, flight, or freeze—the person feels the need to protect themselves, not just physically, but emotionally because their state of being is in some way being threatened.
Each of us can easily be in the alarm/defensive state (fight, flight, or freeze) if our dreams, hopes, and wishes are often being criticized or if we’re constantly given the message that we’re inadequate.
Each of us can also live in the positive space of feeling safe to engage with others when we’re feeling validated, appreciated, recognized, and seen. Spouses can do this for each other. They can create an atmosphere at home that is safe, loving, and kind for the other. They can create spaces where the other can breathe and have the desire to engage and connect.
Since I mostly coach women and my newsletters are directed to women, I’m giving advice here for you, dear awesome woman. Of course, there is much to say to husbands who are critical, demeaning, and controlling—but that is my husband’s job as a therapist since he works with both the husbands and wives in our Couple’s Workshop.
My job with you here is to help you create a warm, kind atmosphere at home where your husband’s nervous system can be less engaged in the fight, flight, and freeze response and more engaged in the feeling of safety.
Nurturing emotional safety in marriage is the key to a healthy, joy-filled marriage. As women, we have the wisdom, courage, and power to do this.
And guess what? If your husband feels safer, then so will you. There will be more peace and less fighting. There will be more kindness and less defensiveness. So, it’s a win-win situation for everyone in the home.
Let’s take a look at masculine culture. Men, in general, are raised in a societal environment rampant with humiliation and shaming. There is an underlying atmosphere of competition, teasing, and harsh expectations. Society gives the message to men “to toughen up, be brave, stop whining, and just deal with it like a man.”
Compassion is not usually expressed to them in educational and sports settings. Nor is it regularly expressed to them amongst their friends. When boys are constantly being teased and getting the message to “toughen up,” they will reject feeling vulnerable. They will also reject feeling the vulnerability of getting things wrong and the vulnerability of making mistakes. And if in the unfortunate chance of when they do feel vulnerable, they will feel stupid, less than, and ashamed leading to an angry, shut down and/or defensive reaction.
The male culture primes a man’s nervous system to be in a highly alert state—they can quickly smell negative judgment and disrespect. As wives, we may unknowingly activate this highly alert state of our husbands with our tone, our complaining, our criticism, our judgment and our expressions of disappointment or feeling let down by them—all indications that they have failed us somehow.
I like the term “highly allergic” that I once heard speaker Shterna Ginsberg use. The childhood and societal expectations that men have been raised with cause many husbands to be “highly allergic” to anything that smacks of disrespect, criticism, and judgment of them.
Any time that you, as a wife, express yourself in language that is indicative that your husband did something wrong or has failed you in some way will trigger that shame and humiliation. Any time your husband feels negatively judged, it will trigger the fight/flight response of their nervous system, hence snapping at you (a fight response) or shutting down (a flight response).
Even if you’re not directly saying it, the energy behind your words can reveal expectations or judgment. A highly allergic husband will smell it and it will trigger that shame attack. If your husband is feeling shame, he may lash out at you. Imagine a trapped and wounded stray dog that lashes out with its teeth and nails. That’s the fight response.
Or imagine a little boy who got a poor grade on a test and his father shakes his head in disappointment and scolds him for not doing well enough, not trying hard enough, or not being smart enough. The little boy wants to slink away in shame. He finds a corner to curl up and brood in and builds up armor so that he’ll never be hurt again. That’s the flight response. We can see this same reaction in a husband shutting down. He may leave the scene physically or emotionally or both, closing his heart to you.
As a woman, perhaps you have also experienced being criticized and shamed. These are not exclusive to the male experience. The difference is that women tend to be relationship-oriented beings and bond with others when feeling hurt. They’ll go to their friends and share their feelings of pain, crying, and getting soothed with empathy, compassion, and nurturing.
But in the male culture, it is admired to be stoic and brave. Most boys will keep their feelings in, not sharing with anyone that they are sad and hurt. They want to just keep up the tough exterior that they’re ok and that nothing (and no one) can touch them. Vulnerability is a big no-no for boys and men. Hopefully, we can change that as we raise our sons, and also change the education system, but many of our husbands have been raised being shamed for their vulnerability, rather than encouraged and supported in dealing with their pain.
Let’s take a quick quiz:
How Critical a Wife Are You?
Kabbalah explains that women come from the spiritual energy of Gevurah, which translates as strictness. This means that we are able to notice more easily than a man at times the negative of a situation. We can be very discerning and notice what is lacking. We can be strict with our judgment and assessment of things.
Some of us women have a lot of this Gevorah. And we can use these awesome strict/discerning powers for good—knowing who to hire or, become friends with, noticing and guiding who our children become friends with, and so on—or for the negative—only seeing the negative in our spouses or being nitpicky and controlling.
So let’s get honest and see how you may unconsciously be showing up as controlling, shaming, blaming, dismissive, bossy, and/or negative-judging to your husband.
How often do you …
Ask him to take out the garbage with a criticism: “Why don’t you ever remember to take out the garbage?”
Get mad at him for leaving his clothes around the room.
Tell him that you don’t like his friends.
Tell him how to dress or make negative remarks about his looks.
Tell him how to eat.
Tell him his ideas are bad ideas.
Tell him how to take care of the kids—how to change diapers, feed the kids.
Tell him how to ask for a raise, when to ask for a raise, when to get a new job.
Go on your phone when he is around.
Put him down for not bringing in enough money.
Compliment him and let him know that you appreciate him.
There’s no scoring for this quiz—just a reality check for you. If you’re often criticizing him or telling him how and what to do, you’re probably strangling the poor guy. Let go of the reins and free him to be his own man, do things his way (even if they don’t work sometimes—he’s human and can make mistakes), and make his own choices. And don’t worry—the tips I’ll be sharing will help you get your concerns and needs met, too. A caring and validating partnership in a marriage is a real thing. Let’s help get you there.
So what can we do?
For a husband who is highly allergic to shame, that little humiliated boy sits inside that mature man’s body, and in an intimate relationship, he will lash out or shut down if he even smells the energy of criticism, control, and negative judgment.
As wives, we don’t want to trigger that shame. It certainly does not lead to an emotionally safe atmosphere for our husbands. But if you’re like me, you may not have known that you were triggering any of this in your husband. Growing up in a secular culture meant saying anything on my mind. Being completely honest. “Say what you think!” was the philosophy nurtured when I was growing up. But guess what? That is a terrible philosophy for marriage (and just about any relationship).
It’s not that you should shut down your own voice, but you can choose to use your voice wisely. There are words you can use to get your needs met in a more respectful manner. There are words and energies you can use to encourage and support rather than put down. These shifts that you make as a woman can create an atmosphere of emotional safety for both yourself and your husband.
Tip #1 DROP THE “SHOULD” ENERGY & SAY IT DIFFERENTLY
(taken from my marriage e-guide—6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!)
The practicalities of marriage, with endless to-do lists of managing a home, can sometimes overrun the care that a husband and wife have for each other. You may feel that your husband doesn’t care about your happiness because when you ask him to do certain things, they fall by the wayside. Maybe he’ll grunt, ignore or argue back about the tasks or suggestions you bring up to him. And perhaps you think to yourself—shouldn’t he do these things without me telling him? Doesn’t he care? Doesn’t he know that it would make me happy if he just did….?
I believe that when you drop the “shoulding” energy in the home and make changes to the language you use with your husband, then you will see his desire to make you happy return as a reality in your marriage.
Tune into your body for a minute and feel what “should” energy does inside. Try completing this sentence with the things that come to mind: “My husband should ….” Do you notice the physical sensation of tightness or tension? A furrowing of the brows or a clenching of the jaw? “Should” can be a very aggressive energy, whether we direct it inwards towards ourselves or outwards towards others.
Now drop the “should” energy and tap into your desires. What is it that you want? Do you want to go out to dinner? Do you want more help around the house? Do you want the bills paid on time? Do you want the kids to eat certain kinds of healthy foods? I love the suggestions from the author, Laura Doyle. She says to preempt your desire/request to your husband with the words, “like” or “love.”
Try saying it this way:
I’d love to go out to dinner.
I love when the bills are paid on time. I feel so much safer that way.
I’d love more help around the house. I’m so tired after work (or after taking care of the kids).
I like the kids getting fed healthy food. Those cereals just contain so much sugar and chemicals and I’m concerned for their health.
You may notice softer energy replacing that tense energy of “shoulding.” You’re also telling him what your desires are without using the word “you” which can sometimes feel bossy, naggy, and controlling to a man. Expressing yourself this way takes getting used to, but can make a world of difference. It definitely will feel more respectful to your husband.
Also, notice your fears—besides coming from the spiritual energy of strictness, many women judge and control from a place of fear.
In my marriage, when an issue comes up and my response feels controlling to my husband and we start to butt heads, we both have come to the realization that I’ve most likely moved into fear mode. If I catch it first, I’ll say to him, “What’s the question you need to ask me?” That prompts him to ask, “What are you afraid of?” And then I launch into all my fears around a situation. I tend to be super practical and like a certain kind of order to things and my husband tends to be risk-taking and more spontaneous, so this question dynamic can happen quite often. After over 30 years of marriage, we finally figured out how to bypass a lot of conflicts this way!
You can be vulnerable and tell your husband what your fears are which feels a lot better than control energy. This is more likely to trigger concern and care in your husband than defensiveness. Again, a win-win for everyone.
****A note about this tip: If you feel charged and angry about certain things in your marriage, it’s not only important to reach out for help, but you can also try using the somatic technique I developed called The ROAR! Process to validate and release your resentment, grief, and frustration. Emotions are “energy in motion” and we don’t want that energy to get stuck in the body where physical and emotional pain symptoms can develop.
Tip #2 VALIDATION
It’s a basic human need to be want to be seen, heard, understood, and validated. I love the book, “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” by Gary and Joy Lundberg especially the chapter on validating a spouse. How kind it is when our husbands share a bad day or difficult situation with us and instead of trying to give advice (yes, as wives we usually have great ideas!) or fix it, we just listen and validate their experience. Choosing to put the duct tape on (as Laura Doyle suggests) and saying less rather than more, is a kindness we can provide. This act alone will provide more emotional safety for our partners.
Tip #3 LET HIM KNOW WHAT HE IS GETTING RIGHT BY YOU
Let your husband know what he is getting right by you. Don’t take anything for granted. If he works to provide for the family (even if you do to), you can tell him that you appreciate that. Let him know that it makes you feel safe and loved that he gets up every day to do this.
Does he help at home? Say what that means to you! Tell him that you really love his help with the dishes, with dinner, with carpool, with taking care of the lawn and that you feel supported by him. Nothing is too small to appreciate. In the strange world that we live in, we are often inundated with messages of lack and what we need to change. How wonderful and safe it can feel to your spouse to let him know what he is getting right by you and that you see and appreciate his efforts. This will have a domino effect and he’ll mostly likely even want to show up more for you as the incredible man you see him as.
Small changes have big effects. Your home can be a safer, more nurturing center for your spouse and loved ones. When your husband feels kindness from you, his nervous system will hum at a calm and engaging pace radiating peace and light into your world and the world at large.
Need a helping hand? Schedule your free 20-minute Marriage Magic Clarity Call today! As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition in their relationships, careers, and health. Looking forward to hearing your voice!
Download your free gift e-guides:
6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!
3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way
(includes access to the free e-guide, “Escape From The Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”)
If you’re dating, I’ve got an e-guide for you: Dating Magic
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“I’m so happy that I decided to take a chance on somatic healing. Miriam’s grounded, intuitive approach has been most helpful in recognizing and overcoming old patterns of self-sabotage. I can gladly say that the work has had a positive effect both personally and professionally. Thank you, Miriam, for your insightful support and clarity!”
– E., New York
“Many challenging waves of emotions have been arising lately which I felt I did not have outlets or tools to deal with. I felt like all these emotions were sort of stuck within me. Miriam taught me more about my waves of emotions, how to access them, work through them, ride them, and rise above them. Many times emotions can be daunting and frightening to face, but with Miriam’s insightful and practical tools, they allowed me to discover how to manage during emotional challenges to arrive at a deeper and truer place within myself. I am joyful and thankful for all the work we did together and look forward to continue to apply and integrate these wonderful coaching tools. Thank you : )”
– A.C., Illinois
Forward these tips to a friend and share the gift of mindbody healing.
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer & Relationship Expert
Opposites Attract, But Can They Stay Together?
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
A few years ago, my husband took over doing my carpool for the week because I had been down and out with a cold. As I lay in bed nursing my aches and pains, my phone dinged that familiar sound of receiving a text from him. He sent a video of the scene in the carpool—one he had taken at a stop sign. He had the rambunctious neighbor’s children and my daughter dancing and singing in their seats. It was super cute and I had a good laugh.
But I noticed that the neighbor’s kids didn’t have their seat belts on which is the first thing that I have them do when they get in the car. So, of course, I called him and said, “seatbelts please!”
It’s a constant amazement to me how opposite my husband and I are. Our radical differences even show in this small area of life. He’s Mr. Fun so he turns carpooling into an entertainment show. And forgets to have the kids buckle up.
My husband and I have known each other for 30+ years, since being teens in college. Back then in the vast cornfields of Iowa (we went to Grinnell College in the town of Grinnell, Iowa), I actually thought that we were quite similar.
Hah! It takes marriage to prove how wrong you can be!
I always remember to put my seatbelt on immediately upon getting into the car and have my kids do the same. He will never remember. He sometimes even lets that little seatbelt chime ding incessantly and I find myself on the passenger side, staring at him in amazement, wondering how the noise doesn’t bother him (it doesn’t!). I count the seconds before saying, “I’d love that noise to stop.” And then he deftly reaches over his shoulder and buckles the belt.
Our other differences are apparent as well. I like getting to the airport early and he likes getting there with the least amount of time to spare. For me, a good 2 hours before the flight is perfect. For him, he can only tolerate sitting at the gate for about 10 minutes. This means we both need to compromise greatly before each flight, though in the past few years, he has become more and more understanding of my need for feeling safe and leaves earlier to provide comfort for me.
In most areas of life, I am consistent. He is only consistent in being inconsistent.
I’m an introvert and highly sensitive person (see my article on this: For Empaths—How to Avoid Overwhelm in a Very Busy World) while he’s an extrovert. He can juggle phones ringing, people interrupting him, and noise in a way that defies my logic.
I am on social media but feel most at home on Facebook with its slower pace and ability to choose friends (the more introverted approach). I share inspiring somatic healing tips, relationship advice, and spiritual wisdom (as well as nature and family pics) a few times a day. He is on social media with Twitter being his home. He is a marriage and family therapist (Couples Workshop) and tweets out Kabbalistic wisdom and relationship advice 20 times a day. He engages constantly with his followers who love the wisdom he is sharing, letting him know that he is the most influential in his field on Twitter.
My revelations? We are so opposite. And I notice a lot of my friends have marriages like this as well—they are matched up with spouses who are mostly their opposite—those who never put on the seatbelts matched with those who always do.
G-d has a great sense of humor because as much as we may have sought out these differences when we were in pursuit of our soulmate, we never expected the challenges that can result from these differences. What I’ve come to understand as a result of many years married, many hours spent on my own self-help journey through life-coach/master mindbody trainings, as well as relationship trainings (and just wise old age), is that we seek out these differences in partners as a way to retrieve our shadow parts—those parts of our personalities that we have rejected since childhood. But the funny thing is is that as much as our subconscious wants to retrieve these shadow parts, our ego wants to reject them.
And reject them is what we do in the form of negatively judging our spouses. When we blatantly see those shadow parts in our partners, we get emotionally triggered and wind up rejecting the human with those shadow parts—our partners.
And this keeps us from being whole.
The best way I’ve discovered to own our shadow parts and stop rejecting them in the way of rejecting our partners is to take the time to do an exercise I call— Owning Your Shadowself—and I share it below. It’s taken from my full article—Thrive in Your Marriage and Become Whole! And because it’s so important not to suppress or ignore your emotions, I also encourage you to use the ROAR! Process when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. I developed it as a somatic release exercise for processing resentment, hurt, frustration, trauma, and grief.
OWNING YOUR SHADOW SELF:
When your mind is saying things like this:
He is irresponsible.
He is lazy.
He is so selfish.
He is so impractical. How could he think that could work?
He is inept at his job.
He makes bad decisions.
1) Notice the tension inside your body—where do you feel it? Just notice it.
2) Now, put one hand out in front of you, palm up and say: “I am ___________.” Fill in the blank with the judgement word that you have pasted on the other person. Find in your life where you are not perfect and where you do exactly what you’re complaining about the other person.
3) Take a deep belly breath in and release.
4) Now put the other hand out, palm up and say the opposite of that judgment word.
5) Take another deep belly breath in and release.
6) Now with both palms up say: “Sometimes I am _______ and sometimes I am ________. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
7) Notice if the tension inside you has relaxed a bit.
With the earlier sentences, it would look like this:
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am irresponsible when ….” — find circumstances where you acted irresponsibly. Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also responsible.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am responsible and sometimes I am irresponsible. I am both; I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am lazy when….” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also not lazy (or I am also productive).” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am lazy and sometimes I am productive. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “ I am selfish when …” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also generous.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am generous and sometimes I am selfish. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am impractical. I did this ….and those things were very impractical.” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also practical.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am practical and sometimes I am impractical. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am also inept when ….” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am not inept. I am competent.” Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am competent and sometimes I am inept. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I make bad decisions when ….” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I also make good decisions.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I make great decisions and sometimes I make bad decisions. I do both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
Get the drift?
This little exercise may sting a bit and that is the ego letting go of its self-identity. It’s dissolving and that can feel uncomfortable at first. But when you get into the habit of owning all your parts, it’s extremely freeing, releases tension in your body and improves relationships with others. Your husband will especially appreciate and feel emotionally safer living in a judgment-free home.
So, to respond to the question: Opposites Attract, But Can They Stay Together? The answer is yes, they can! Because when we decide to really embrace all our parts, which often comes from noticing in ourselves the part that doesn’t put the seat belt on, or the part that can also get to the airport late, then not only do we have less judgment and a lot more respect for our partner but a lot less judgment and a lot more respect for ourselves as whole people. And this respect, peace, acceptance, and wholeness makes for a healthier home, with the additional benefit of vibrating out to the universe 🙂
Need a helping hand? As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert, and Clarity Coach, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Stress and pain relief, trauma processing, marriage magic, dating help, career shifts, Narcissist/Borderline-relationship detoxing, and goal setting can all be accomplished through Mindbody Soul sessions (by phone).
Each session creates quantum energetic shifts for healing, insight, and transformation. You have so much wisdom and it’s all within you. Schedule your free 20-minute Clarity Call today. Looking forward!
Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
If you’d like more connection, emotional safety, peace, and fun in your marriage, download your free gift e-guide: 6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!
If you’re dating, there are beautiful resources for you as well (and they include the red flags to look out for to avoid the narcissists!).
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“The healing work that I experienced with Miriam’s somatic therapy gave me confidence. Miriam offers generous time to support a process that shifted my energy. When I think of describing Miriam several words come to mind, here are a few: kind, funny, real, insightful, and empowering. I appreciated her language, attentiveness, and ability to create space to understand the process. Many thanks to Miriam Racquel and consider working with her, I’m glad I did. “ – R.K, New York
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
Client from Couple’s Workshop:
“Dovid, I want you to know that after working together with you and Miriam, my marriage is just so much better. I feel more secure, more loved, and more connected to than ever before—even more than while we were dating.” – A.S., Michigan
Love and blessings,
Miriam Racquel
Dating Podcast Interview 7/28/21 With Diana P. and Valori Z. At Philadelphia WWDB
Dear Awesome Woman,
So excited to have been interviewed by Diana Pivenshteyn and Valori Lynne Zaslow at Philadelphia WWDB.
Dating Podcast — Mindbody Wellness Dating