July 7, 2021

When There’s Tension With Your Husband Around Important Issues, Try This!

Mindbody Marriage Magic Tips

Dear Awesome Woman,

Ever feel like you’re butting heads with your husband over how to manage a home, discipline the kids, tell the neighbor that they’re making too much noise, decorate the house, decide if and when guests can sleep over, etc.? Welcome to the world of marriage—two souls in bodies coming together and trying to be as one. The tension sometimes can be annoying, if not completely overwhelming.

So, what can you do to get your opinions heard and respected, yet not feel like you’re in battle if they differ from your husband’s?

When I have times like this with my husband—that of butting heads about important things—I try to remember this: we’re on the same team! We both want what’s best for each other, our family and our home. Once I click into this very important realization in the midst of a clash, my energy shifts—my guard drops and my nervous system calms down. And I communicate this to him—I’ll take his hand and say, “Hey, we’re on the same team! So how can we work together to make this happen?”

With this calmer energy, I’ll also share what my fears are. My internal tension and stress bubbles to the surface when I’m fearing something. So does my husband’s, but we’re usually locked in a battle of the brains—what he’s thinking and what I’m thinking about something, instead of dropping into our concerns and worries, desires and hopes about a situation. We each have emotions about what’s going on, but instead get into intellectual debates. So, when I realized this a few years back, I started a different tactic. Instead of staying locked into a “debate” of sorts, I’ll prod my husband to ask me what I refer to now as the “magic question”— “What are you afraid of, honey?” When he asks me this question, I’ll feel such compassion from him and a sense of relief in my body. Then the words will just bubble up and I’ll share all those fears and doubts. I’ll share with him what is really concerning me about the subject that we’re in conflict about. I’ll take him down the rabbit hole with me if it’s a fear or I’ll take him to the highest heights if it’s a hope. He’ll get a glimpse into my heart and then his inner tension will release resulting in him sharing his fears and concerns as well. That question is so helpful in bringing us together rather than apart!

I’ll also try to be conscious of using the Laura Doyle approach to sharing, which is stating preferences and desires in the manner of, “I’d like” or “I’d love.”

“I’d love my son to have that experience.”

“I’d love to make sure that I’m not “on” all the time with the guests. I’m an introvert and my downtime helps me de-stress from the constant energies around me.”

“I’d like the house painted because I’m feeling embarrassed when your mom comes to visit. I’m scared to be judged for not taking good care of our home.”

“I love feeding our kids organic because I’m afraid of the pesticides in the food. Spending a bit more relieves my fear of illness, even though I know nothing is guaranteed.”

I know many of us are dealing with big issues nowadays—life seems to be really topsy turvy. But I invite you to try these tips—calming your nervous system, exposing your feelings, getting vulnerable and finding agreement in the loving ways that you can. Connection is the key to resolving tension and remember, you’re on the same team.

Thank you for reading! I’m so excited that you’ve joined me on this Mindbody Marriage Magic path where it’s not all talk, but an integration of your mind, body, and soul wisdom. I offer Marriage Magic sessions when you desire to increase the emotional safety, love, and connection in your relationship. Please schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today.

As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert & Clarity Coach, I’ve had the privilege of working with amazing clients worldwide. Each one discovers the healing powers of their bodies, the wisdom of their emotions, and the deep connection to their intuition as well as developing skills to create a marriage they love.

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Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more Client Love here.

“As a busy, working wife and mother, optimum mental and physical energy are paramount to living my best life. When a highly tense and deeply rooted family situation had me constantly anxious and exhausted, Miriam helped me find my breath. Together, we worked on the tension in my chest, stomach and entire body as we finally loosened the hold that this tense situation had on me. Through our sessions, I learned that love and respect of my body’s cues leads to higher functioning and real peace of mind.”

-R.T. , New York

“I worked with Miriam for six sessions. It has helped me enormously with many issues. I have been able to make changes in relationships and release pain from trauma. Miriam has taught me tools to use regularly to release tension. These tools are simple and quick which makes it easy to implement them. I am very glad that I reached out to Miriam. Her warmth, kindness and understanding are truly comforting!”