Your Husband Needs to Know What He is Getting Right By You
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness Newsletter
Dear Awesome Woman,
The potential of male and female relationships is like atomic energy. When used in a positive and holy way, there is nothing more powerful and precious. However, when used recklessly, without sacred context, it can be the most destructive force in existence.
—Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, The Lubavitcher Rebbe
I was reading about Queen Elizabeth the other day and saw that one of the turning points of fate was that her Uncle, King Edward VIII, had abdicated the throne. Following curiosity, I looked up why that was and saw that it was for love.
King Edward had left the throne because his heart went towards a woman who had been twice-divorced and the law of the land was that he could not remain king and be married to a divorced woman.
I’m not making commentary on choices made—there are articles that claim they were happy together as a couple and ones that proclaim that she grew tired of his love and loved another (she had been married at the time they had originally fallen in love and so this pattern would not come as a surprise). Why I’m sharing this is because it brings home the fact of what we all know to be true—love is a very powerful thing. It can create and it can destroy. Huge decisions are made from this incredible emotion.
True to the statement from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, love is an atomic force.
When a man and woman bind themselves together in holy matrimony, there is a sacredness to it. It’s not a random choice, nor a random commitment.
And because life is mysterious and ever-changing, there will be ups and downs, and times of peace as well as conflict throughout the marriage. How do we hold onto these ties that bind us together? How do we stay in it for the long run?
My belief is that marriage is a skill. Sure, it is also important who you pick to marry, but if you haven’t picked a *Borderline/Narcissist then most partners are just regular like you—with faults, wounds, and weaknesses. In Judaism, there’s the concept of finding your beshert—your soul mate— and the idea is that the souls were one in the spiritual realms and split into two when coming down to this world as souls in bodies. Getting married means that you have found the other half of your soul.
As wonderful and romantic as this sounds, it does not mean that things are easy just because a husband and wife have returned to being one soul. One soul, two bodies. And bodies are complicated. A physical form here on earth comes along with ego, personality traits, preferences, values, and notions about life. There are also obvious hormonal and physical differences between men and women.
The ethereal soul parts of us may be thrilled that they have found one another again here in this lifetime, but the bodies are trying to figure all this out. How can we get along with all these differences? And how can we keep that love for each powerful and precious? What skills can we use?
Since my clientele is mostly women, I’m speaking to you, dear awesome woman, and the shifts and tweaks that you can make to create a marriage you love and one that lasts. My husband, a marriage and family therapist, and I do Couple’s Workshops where both the husband and wife are being counseled on how to up the vibe of their marriage and make changes for lasting peace and love. But here I’m only speaking to you and what you can do—and an individual can do a lot. When I went on my own self-help health journey many years ago, making individual changes within myself, my whole outer world changed for the better. And as women who are relationship beings, making shifts in our communication and energy can produce wonderful changes in our marriages. As I said, I believe marriage is a skill, and upping your marriage skills can create one that you have much joy and love in.
Here’s the skill that I’m focused on in this newsletter: Letting Your Husband Know What He’s Getting Right By You
We can call it appreciation and gratitude, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a way to open a tremendous flow of love and connection between you and your partner.
We are all walking nervous systems. We can walk around being shut down like in a freeze response; we can walk around in a high alert state, being extremely defensive or on high guard; or we can be mostly in a calm and relaxed state, feeling that life around us is basically safe and friendly. The way the news portrays things, the greater world outside of us can have a large amount of trauma and drama to keep us up at night. But we are empowered to help create homes that are safe havens for our loved ones. Nurturing emotional safety is key to doing that and having a kind and loving marriage in which our partners feel seen, heard, and loved is an incredible thing.
Your husband needs to know what he is getting right by you. He needs to feel successful in his relationship with you. When people feel successful, they want to increase that success. Every day, share words of gratitude with your husband. At least once a day if not more. Each expression of appreciation is a gold coin in your marriage bank account.
As women, we can be very discerning creatures and we can all too easily list and point out all the ways that our husbands are getting things wrong or failing to succeed in life and in marriage. This is an unkindness to both you and him.
Where your attention goes, your energy and power go. For this skill, look and see even the smallest things that your husband is doing that you can appreciate. And then tell him. As Martha Beck once shared from her conversation with a white water rafter about avoiding the rocks, “If you pay attention to the rocks, then, bam!—that’s where you’ll go. If you pay attention to the space between the rocks, then that’s where you’ll go.” Focus on paying attention to what your husband gets right. Go towards that light and flow.
This being said, we also don’t want to ignore the rocks. As a Somatic Healer, I always encourage my clients to get honest with themselves (not necessarily with their husbands—please see my article—”Is Honesty the Best Policy in Your Marriage?”) and process their emotions. It is very important for your nervous system to not suppress your feelings, your emotions, your fears, your complaints, your dissatisfactions, your disappointments. I recommend a somatic release process that I developed called the ROAR! Process for making sure that emotional energy and resentment do not get stuck in your body. Suppression is a big no-no.
If you’re having difficulty finding things that you appreciate about your husband, let’s look at it this way. Put your attention on the things that if you didn’t have them, G-d forbid, you’d feel the loss big time. We don’t always appreciate our hearing, our sight, and our sense of smell, and yet if they were to deteriorate, we would miss them. When relationship author Laura Doyle started to focus on the little things that her husband was getting right (though there were plenty of things that bothered her), her whole marriage shifted. Appreciation and gratitude have tremendous energetic vibes and can heal and uplift many situations.
Ask yourself these questions to get a paradigm shift (and again, please do the ROAR! Process if lots of resentment and anger are coming up for you):
Does your husband take out the garbage?
Does your husband work and bring in money?
Does your husband cook a meal or two?
Does your husband do homework with the kids at times?
Is there a character trait that you love about him? Maybe one that you’re lacking or slacking in and he brings it to the home?
SAY THANK YOU! TELL HIM WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU!
“Thank you for taking out the garbage. I love that you care about our home.”
“Thank you for working and paying for stuff that we need. I feel taken care of and I love how responsible you are. I don’t take it for granted.”
“Thank you for cooking tonight. It helped me relax knowing that dinner was taken care of.”
“I love your ambition. It brings excitement to our lives.”
“I love your integrity. I appreciate that value in our home.”
When I do this with my husband, my husband gets to feel that he has done things that add to my happiness. He gets to hear from someone in his world that he is getting things right, that he is successful as a person. My husband also has gotten into the habit of sharing his appreciations with me—he’ll say them or message them. This is a win-win for everyone in the family. We have gratitude practices that we share often at mealtimes, where we go around the table and tell each member of the family what we appreciate about each other. What a gift! The positive vibration in our home is so much higher as a result. There is warmth and kindness between the siblings and they can feel our love.
How about trying this skill starting today? Text, write or say three appreciations to your husband every day this week. Positive energy has lasting vibrations. Gratitude ups your vibe and that of your marriage.
Remember— you have the power to add gold to your marriage.
*Of relevance: There are exceptions to everything and there are unfortunately some marriages that may not be viable no matter how much gratitude you share, no matter how much effort you put into trying to create emotional safety with your husband. If he is a Borderline/Narcissist, expressions of gratitude won’t work because of entitlement and power/control issues. Your attempts will be met with meanness and cruelty, and it’s best to work with a qualified coach or therapist who knows how to help you. Please download “Escape From the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web” which can be accessed along with your free Mindbody Wellness gift e-guide, “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way”
Need a helping hand? Schedule your 20-minute free Clarity Call today. As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert, and Clarity Coach, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Stress and pain relief, trauma processing, marriage magic, dating help, career shifts, Narcissist/Borderline-relationship detoxing, and goal setting can all be accomplished through Mindbody Soul sessions (by phone). Each session creates quantum energetic shifts for healing, insight, and transformation. You have so much wisdom and it’s all within you!
If you’d like more love and fun in your marriage, download your free gift e-guide: 6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!
If you’re dating, there are beautiful resources for you as well (and they include the red flags to look out for to avoid the narcissists!).
For less burnout and greater health in your life, I invite you to Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more @ Client Love:
“Working with Miriam Racquel while I was dating was a transformational experience. I loved how instead of giving me advice, she helped me figure out what I really wanted and what my heart was truly feeling. Working together has helped me realize patterns in myself and others which empowers me to deepen and enrich my relationships. She’s patient and kind and goes above and beyond for her clients. I have so much more clarity and peace of mind after just 3 sessions. Highly recommended!” – F.R., Passaic, NJ
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
“I came to Miriam looking for help recovering from a painful breakup with a covert narcissist that I’d been suffering over for far too long. I realized that I’d not only been struggling from my most recent relationship but also from my childhood relationship with my father, which I thought I’d dealt with years ago. I learned that I had energy stuck in my body from real traumas I’d experienced, which talk alone was just not able to process. Miriam helped me with real-time processing in my body and clearing the immediate pain, as well as healing the source of my unhealthy relationship choices, and gave me tools for compassionately helping myself when difficult emotions arise in the future, leaving me feeling stable and self-assured about myself and my future.” – T.H., Colorado
Love & blessings,
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer & Relationship Expert