Monday Marriage Magic Tip #97: The World Lies to You About Sex
Marriage Somatic/Mindbody Magic Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
A few years ago, as I was collaging away (having fun doing the simple creativity that I suggest to clients and use for my self-care), I came across an article in Oprah magazine. It’s a great magazine to collage from because of the abundance of feel-good words. Anyway, I was flipping through the pages, looking for uplifting words and messages, and I stopped at a feature about sexual intimacy.
Many people and experts were interviewed on the subject, and two in particular caught my attention. The first article was from a man who, though he had been together with his wife the previous evening, wanted to be together again just a night later. She did not.
The author focused on the difference between his wife and himself as the byproduct of testosterone. He once had low testosterone levels, but as he did hormone therapy and his testosterone levels increased, so did his sex drive. This has been researched as well — because of men’s testosterone, their desire for sex is like their need for water, food, and oxygen.
For many men, having sex with their wives makes them feel that everything is okay in their world — they can focus better, they know that their wife desires them, needs them, and they can provide for her (by making her feel good). As I share in my book, Somatic Healing for the Modest Goddess (written to address the concerns of my Jewish Orthodox community but has universal somatic tools and practical advice for women of any background), energy healer, Donna Eden, explains that oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is 10x more concentrated in women than men. However, when men orgasm, they have their deep bonding moment, and their oxytocin jumps to 5x their normal levels.
For wives, whose oxytocin levels can be satisfied by bonding with friends, accomplishing a task, having a good conversation, and petting their dog, sex may not feel like a need or anything essential.
But marriage is not a roommate experience. Part of what makes a marriage a marriage is sexual intimacy.
In a loving, kind marriage where there is emotional safety, sex is a very important aspect of commitment, caring, and bonding.
Nowadays, therapists and many online sources lie to women by advising them to only have sex when they “feel like it.” How many marriages break up or go into a sink hole because of this misconception? A wife may never “feel like it.” She doesn’t have the amount of testosterone a man has. Sex may not be essential to her like food, oxygen, and water, and her arousal states are different.
A man may think of sex many, many times a day. A woman — never. But if her marriage is essential to her, then her marriage needs sex to thrive.
So, what can a wife do to get in the mood?
>Make sex important in the marriage by having scheduled dates and set times. Another person interviewed in the feature was a woman who wrote romance fiction. After reading the points she shared, I hold her and others like her directly responsible for some of the misconceptions about sex. Unlike her novels, where sex is spontaneous and frequent, and positions wild and never injurious, she admitted honestly that her own sex life with her boyfriend is scheduled, and they use one position that works for them.
But how much harm has her writing done in making women believe that there’s something wrong with them if they don’t feel “it” for their husbands or if they’re not swinging from the chandeliers?
What she does get right is that sexual intimacy is a priority in a partnership. However, the how and when are all made up.
Realistically, with busy lives and many distractions, sex still needs to be a priority. It isn’t optional in marriage but necessary. Scheduled times (Tuesday and Fridays, for example) make it possible rather than leaving it to a haphazard connection when either the husband or wife may feel rejected.
>Start with affection. Know what you desire that feels good, state it — “I’d love a backrub” or leg rub, shoulder rub, etc.), and receive.
>Choose your focus. A teacher of mine once asked a white-water rafter, “How do you not hit the rocks?” The rafter said, “I focus on going between the rocks, where the water flows.” The metaphor? Where our attention goes, our energy flows.
Women are like computers and often have many windows open at once. Men tend to compartmentalize — again, the difference between an estrogen mind and a testosterone mind.
When a woman wants to focus on something, she may have to consciously tune out everything else demanding her attention (in her brain and environment).
When you’re physically intimate with your husband, keep your brain focused either on the physical sensations (enjoyment) or by asking yourself one or all of these questions:
“What am I attracted to about him?”
“What do I enjoy about him?
“What am I grateful for?”
Then apply your attention there.
You can also notice your husband’s strength. Most women are attracted to this in a man. It’s just our biology. What part of your husband do you find strong? Does he have emotional strength in a certain area or physical strength? Loyalty, commitment, discipline, and support are strength qualities.
To sum up:
Decide on days and times to be together with your spouse, enjoy receiving the physicality in the moment, and place your focus on what you love, like, appreciate, or find strong in your husband. G-d willing, for the time you make to be physically intimate with him, your energy will flow, including arousal. This intimate bonding will benefit your marriage and create more emotional safety between the two of you. Your relationship will bloom.
Need a helping hand? Are you a woman who desires to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home AND remain empowered as an individual? Schedule your free 20-minute Marriage Magic Call today!
As a Somatic Healer, Dating & Marriage Coach, and Trauma & Anxiety Specialist, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition in their relationships, career, and health. Somatic Healing & Marriage Magic skills will change your life!
“Working with Miriam to building somatic awareness and learn how to process – and release! – what I’ve been carrying has been a game changer…it’s tied together all other healing modalities in a way nothing else has. I’ve been able to apply our work in all areas of my life. Her process is great, and she is a first-rate practitioner and coach.” – M.
My husband and I also work together with couples. Please see DovidFeldman.com.
More Client testimonials here!
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Sending love and blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach, Trauma & Anxiety Specialist
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