Monday Marriage Magic Tip #109: Can Your Marriage Heal?
Marriage Magic Tip #109: Can Your Marriage Heal?
Marriage Mindbody Magic
Dear Awesome Woman,
A few years ago, I was at the Miami Book Fair selling my book, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife. It was a remarkable experience meeting new readers and enjoying connection with other writers in nearby booths.
I often tell my clients that it’s impossible to know what is going on in someone else’s life and that point was made very clear again on this trip. My booth was next to a man who was actually at the fair selling his wife’s book. She was engaged elsewhere (doing a presentation and selling her book at another event). The book was very beautiful — a gigantic, coffee table/recipe book about health and plant-based living. The pictures were stunning and all taken in Bali.
This woman’s husband was quite remarkable. He was a high-end architect and businessman and yet that day, he had lugged many boxes of these large, bulky books. With a smile, he set up his booth, posters and all. He put his heart and soul into being available and explaining over and over again to potential customers his wife’s philosophy and the beauty of her book. It was in color and sold for $100+.
I knew what it meant for this husband to do what he did. My husband was also so generous with his time and energy in helping me shlep my books and sell them. It definitely was an act of love, care, and support!
When customers were not stopping by, my husband (a gregarious type) started a conversation with our booth-neighbor. In speaking, my husband shared that he was a family and marriage therapist.
How surprised I was to hear that when this man opened up to my husband, he shared that his wife had recently asked for a divorce!
It was impossible for me to grasp that this spouse who lovingly and kindly sold his wife’s books, and spoke with such support of the plant-based food his wife made (all raw) and the super healthy lifestyle they lived, was being asked for a divorce.
My heart hurt for him!
My husband was also shocked and asked, “Why? The man said, “I truly don’t know.” He admitted that perhaps there were some resentments built up but nothing that he isn’t willing to go for therapy to get the help they need. She refuses. And they share children together to whom she had already announced the divorce.
Honestly, I don’t know the wife’s side of the story. However, some things that the husband shared are part of a very sad, yet typical trend in society that my husband, Dovid Feldman(Marriage Program) and I see in the marriage work we do.
My husband has a very large Twitter following and many men either DM him or vulnerably open up on the phone to him about the state of their marriages. They often share what this booth-neighbor shared: many years (4+) of no physical intimacy with their wives, a feeling of unclarity over what the issues are and a sense of despair because the wife is unwilling to:
1) taking any accountability for issues (“I’m just fine, you’re the problem”; “it’s all your fault”)
2) go for help.
I understand that marriage is complex — I’ve lived it myself. I also understand that most marriage counseling is not only unhelpful but makes things much worse for the couple and can lead to divorce.
That being said, this woman’s group of friends are mostly divorced. They’re “awakened”, health focused women. And yet, to me, there’s nothing “awakened” or healthy about not making space and time for the possibility of saving a marriage especially if children are involved. (Of course, if the partner is very toxic with a Grandiose/Borderline personality disorder and isn’t willing to get help or change, then divorce is a gateway for saving your soul. That being said, I have been fortunate to coach women in very difficult relationships, and such amazing shifts and healing take place. Miracles happen though again, divorce is sometimes the only option.)
Marriage Magic Tips today:
1.Get help early if your marriage is not doing well or if you’re feeling unhappy. My program with my husband is set up very differently from the typical counseling because vulnerability and emotional safety for the couple are key. We have tremendous respect for the foundation of the marriage and hold it sacred as we skillfully meet individually (over zoom or phone) with each spouse and do the together-sessions with care. Make a Clarity Call with my husband or me (for individual sessions or for the program). Invest the time, energy, wisdom, and care that you and your marriage need.
2. If you’re hanging out with a lot of divorced women who blame their ex-spouses for everything, be careful of being in that atmosphere. There may be a lack of self-reflection on their part and that’s not healthy for you. Only in cases of a spouse being Borderline/Grandiose, is it truly not the victim’s fault. Otherwise, we’re all human and stupid/blind/imperfect in many ways. We’ve got to own that whether we’re single, married, or divorced.
3. Sex. If you’re not having it at least a few times a month, and unless there are physical conditions, then the marriage needs a pick-me-up. Get help. Husbands are not meant to be just roommates. The Somatic Healing I provide with clients helps release resentment, trauma etc. and can revive the marriage bed.
4. If you’re finding yourself opening up to another man — maybe a co-worker, a neighbor, a “friend” on social media, or a past acquaintance, please beware. Fantasy is not reality and the risks to your home base are unbearable. Check out: Monday Marriage Magic Tip #46: The Fabelmans — Women & Affairs
Love yourself enough to have a life that can be beautiful and shared together with your spouse.
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If you’re a woman who wants to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and desires to be empowered as an individual, join hundreds of other women who have gotten the help they needed through Somatic/Mindbody sessions. Schedule your free 20-minute Marriage Magic Call today.
“… I’m so happy that I decided to take a chance on somatic healing. Miriam’s grounded, intuitive approach has been most helpful in recognizing and overcoming old patterns of self-sabotage. I can gladly say that the work has had a positive effect both personally and professionally. Thank you, Miriam, for your insightful support and clarity!” – E, New York (More Client testimonials here!)
My husband, Dovid Feldman, LPC, and I also work together with couples. Please see DovidFeldman.com.
“I HIGHLY recommend Miriam and Dovid’s program!!!! They are wonderful and amazing people!!” – Julie Cedano
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PURCHASE BOOKS HERE!
Somatic Healing for the Modest Goddess
“So happy to have found this! This is a life-changing book for women who want to live life better! Learning to process my feelings and navigate relationships and the world in a healthier way has led to much more peace and joy for me. Rather than stuffing down emotions or exploding them onto others, I now have tools and options. Miriam’s somatic guidance is profound and easy to follow. She speaks from the heart and shares her wisdom and expertise with love and compassion. I’m so happy to have found this book!” – BC
Enjoy God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife! Winner of the GOLD award in Nonfiction Book Awards, it is a tale of romance, humor, faith, and Kabbalistic mystical happenings! It reads like a novel (but it’s a memoir – all true!), is full of twists and turns, will inspire and make you laugh!
“This book is full of light – you can’t help but feel uplifted after reaching the conclusion. Great read for a book club – lots to discuss!” – a happy reader
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Feel free to forward this to friends. I believe that all women can benefit from understanding the wisdom of their body, their emotions, and their soul.
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
