Marriage Somatic Magic Tip #104: Sexual Intimacy Tips
Marriage Mindbody Magic
Dear Awesome Woman,
Sexual intimacy is such a big part of marriage…until it’s not. Though marriage is not a roommate situation with the opposite gender, it can turn into that if there are emotional, physical, and marital issues.
Through newsletters and sessions, I provide assistance that targets all these areas so that sexual intimacy becomes more healthily woven into the fabric of marriages. The marriage section of my Somatic Healing book is detailed with somatic tips including release processes for daily greater health and joy.
Here’s an edited tidbit from the book exclusively focused on sex:
TIP #7: SEXUAL INTIMACY
How fortunate a woman is to be married and to feel basic trust and emotional safety just from that commitment alone. That being said, sexual intimacy can be a huge point of contention in marriages.
There may be leftover resentment from disagreements, hard feelings from fights. and just plain exhaustion from busy days. The first six marriage tips shared (*in the Marriage chapter of the book) should hopefully increase health through self-care, lessen conflict and, G-d willing, create a more peaceful, loving relationship—one filled with more connection and emotional safety.
Sexual intimacy is another important element of creating and nurturing emotional safety in your relationship. As Jennie Rosenfeld and David Ribner, authors of The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy, write so well,
Your enjoyment as sexual partners is more than just physical; it can bring you to a place of closeness with another person that no other experience can provide. Your sharing of physical intimacy creates an emotional bond that should include feelings of trust, acceptance, caring, and mutuality. Your intimate relationship, which includes your sexual and emotional attachments, is the glue that binds your marriage together. (Rosenfeld and Ribner, 2011)
Sometimes a husband is more desirous of sexual intimacy than the wife. There are biological, chemical, hormonal. and energetic explanations for this. As energy practitioner Donna Eden explains, “Energetically, arousal for a man quickly ignites the genitals, and the energy moves up toward the heart and warms it. For a woman, arousal starts in the mind or heart and then travels to the genitals.”
This illustrates even more so why a woman needs to feel safe with her husband and emotionally cared for by him in order to even want to have sexual relations—for her it begins in her mind and heart. It also helps us understand why self-care is so important; a woman must have the space in her being to choose to be together with her husband.
That being said, there may be times a woman does not “feel” like being together with her husband. Try out these perspectives and suggestions:
—Look at sexual intimacy as an opportunity to receive. When I trained in Laura Doyle’s relationship coaching program, “receiving” was a term emphasized—receiving the pleasure of being touched and desired by your husband. Express the desire for back rubs as part of the intimacy times and enjoy having the tension of the day rubbed away.
—Make intimacy date nights. Spontaneity may not work in many marriages. Plan ahead of time with your husband certain nights that you’ll be together. This will also be a plus for emotional safety for your husband—he won’t have to risk rejection. Also know that biologically, a woman’s sexual desire is usually ignited once physical contact begins as opposed to a man’s, whose desire may start beforehand. Mark Gungor has a funny Youtube video about this. Make sure that you’re doing your self-care and garnering help from your husband, especially if you have little kids, in order to be able to show up on those nights. And I know that life can be very complicated with lots of worries on your mind, but you’ll need to put those away for a time when you’ve committed to being with your husband. Being a worry machine all the time isn’t good for you, nor for any relationship that you’re in. Just like at work, you prioritize. At home with your husband, you’ll need to do that as well.
—Know that you are fortifying the glue of your marriage and shalom bayis (peace in the home). This is another gold coin in your marriage bank account. Your willingness and receptivity will be appreciated. Since marriage is a holy institution, you are serving Hashem (G-d) in this act.
—Keep in mind that it’s disrespectful and unkind to constantly turn a husband down. If there are hard feelings and resentments, then seek help. My husband and I have a couple’s workshop, and many couples come to us when there hasn’t been sexual intimacy in a year or even years, and that’s not a marriage, really. A marriage does involve sexual intimacy; that’s the difference between roommates and marriage. Hard feelings require being worked through, unless you desire a divorce.
—Know that hormonally, your husband feels emotionally connected to you through the sexual act. This is because of the oxytocin being released. You may feel emotionally connected to your husband through words, gifts, kindnesses, and help with chores. Again, for a man, his heart is warmed by sexual intimacy.
Donna Eden explains that, “Oxytocin, the “tend and befriend” hormone, is associated with women bonding with one another and nurturing their families. And indeed, it is often ten times as concentrated in women’s bodies as in men’s. Except at one particular time—during orgasm. That’s when men get to have a deep bonding moment. Their oxytocin jumps to five times normal levels. (Eden and Feinstein, 2008)”
This means that men feel loved through the sexual act—their oxytocin dictates that feeling. All that stuff that he does for you as your partner—going to work, helping around the house and with the kids, listening to you when you share about your worries and issues—are ways that he shows his love and care for you and the family. Your appreciation and saying “thank you” in return are important, but when you make time to be together with him, bonding sexually, it is really the way he feels that you love and care about him.
—There are natural products to use for lubrication and dryness. Organic apricot oil is one such product; and another, called Neu Eve, was especially formulated by gynecologists to help with dryness, which can especially be an issue after menopause. Neu Eve is made of natural ingredients and can help heal tissues. These products are easy to purchase online.
Sexuality can be a source of pleasure. This can even be part of your self-care! As Avraham Peretz Friedman (from a Jewish perspective) writes in his book Marital Intimacy,
The Torah’s view of sexuality is a perfect illustration of the general Torah attitude towards the physical world and its pleasures: The Seer of Lublin (Rabbi Yaakov Yitzchak Horowitz, 1745-1815) emphasized that a person must feel and express gratitude to the Almighty when experiencing sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure, like all physical pleasure, the Seer explained, is an opportunity to feel gratitude to G-d. (Friedman, 1996, p.13)
And, “… the sexual relationship between husband and wife is the vehicle for achieving a very great spiritual goal: the pleasure that results propels the marital relationship to higher levels of solidity and vitality—beyond what intellectual interaction alone could accomplish.”
If enjoyment in the sexual realm is difficult for you, please reach out for help. You are not in this alone. Somatic healing can be of great assistance. You and your marriage are worth it!
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Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach, Trauma & Anxiety Specialist
