Somatic Marriage Magic Tips: NOT Keeping Up with the Joneses!
B”H
Marriage Somatic/Mindbody Magic
Dear Awesome Woman,
When I had young children, one of the biggest mistakes I made was “trying to keep up with the Joneses” — meaning trying to keep up with women in my circle.
When I lived in New York, many of the women in my circle were very, very health-conscious regarding food. Now, that sounds like a good thing, right? And in many ways it’s a great thing! Except when you’re a busy, young mother on little sleep, lots of carpool, and spending an inordinate amount of time shopping at different stores and preparing/cooking in the kitchen.
Whole Foods doesn’t have this organic brand? Well, another store might.
Organic goats milk from a local distributor? Great — drive there, spend a lot of money, and make goat milk yogurt.
Buying sprouts isn’t good enough. You’ve got to sprout the seeds and beans yourself.
Juicing is so good for you! Make sure the kids drink every bit of that carrot/celery juice! And for sure, they’ve got to eat that super healthy meal you made! It took 3 hours of prep and cook time!
What was I thinking? I wasn’t! I was just trying to keep up with the Joneses.
When we moved to the Midwest, my circle changed so my Joneses changed. These Joneses were gourmet cooks and extroverts who loved entertaining and having lots of guests. Fancy desserts and lots of weekly Shabbat hosting! And I tried to keep up because I should be like the Joneses, right? Forget about the fact that I was an introvert and didn’t even like spending time in the kitchen.
Add to the equation that one of the Joneses had Grandiose/Borderline traits and constantly asked for favors. Every time the phone rang and it was her, she would ask me to add her children to my carpool or host some of her guests. And since I was clueless about this personality disorder, I felt obligated. Like I owed her… since she was such a good friend.
Watch out for this Jones in particular! Neighbor, friend, or relative, this kind of relationship is quicksand and terrible for your health. I was clueless about this kind of toxic relationship and if you are, please read this e-guide to get your wise discernment on: Escape from the Borderline/ Narcissist’s Web.
Over time, I got burned out and in my late 30’s, I suffered MINDBODY PAIN (read a bit about me here). My body did not like me trying to keep up with the Joneses, nor live in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) with toxic relationships.
Bottomline — we are all walking nervous systems. Circumstances, interactions, thoughts, emotions, difficult relationships, and childhood wounds have us moving between these 3 states on daily:
Ventral Vagal — state of safety, feeling connected to others.
Parasympathetic — state of peace, digestion, rest.
Sympathetic — state of alarm, feeling attacked. Fighting back or taking flight and walking away (or dissociating) or a feeling of overwhelm, freeze. Lots of adrenaline and cortisol.
Dorsal Vagal — state of helplessness, immobilization, hopelessness; shutdown; why bother?
If you compare yourself to the “Joneses,” then your body will often be in the sympathetic or dorsal states of the nervous system.
Of course, healthy eating is great (and what’s healthy anyway? — there are a gazillion different opinions), and gourmet meals are delicious, and having guests is nice, but not when it’s overly taxing on your nervous system which has a domino effect on your marriage and children. A tense, uptight, overwhelmed nervous system = a tense, uptight spouse and mom.
It doesn’t matter who your “joneses” are — don’t try to keep up. Sure, there may be healthy food meals and snacks, or gourmet meals, or whatever your “Joneses” are doing (money, careers, clothing, spotless homes, religious practices, perfect kids, husbands, etc.), but if you find your mind wandering over to your neighbor’s home, then you’ve lost your empowerment.
Mindbody pain —those mysterious aches, the plantar fasciitis, the sciatica, the back pain, the migraines—result from tension and stress. And the pressure on your marriage from trying to keep up with the Joneses is real.
Your point of power is only in your lane — your body, your emotions, your mindset, your strengths, your weaknesses, your desires.
We can always learn from others —
A new recipe? Great!
A parenting tip? Good.
Healthy eating? Choose a few pointers.
Tips are terrific. But use wise discernment, self-awareness, and self-compassion for where you are and where your family is in life — the priorities, limitations, the blessings, and adult realities.
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Need a helping hand? Schedule your free 20-minute Marriage Magic Call today.
Enjoy a PEACEFUL marriage and home and remain EMPOWERED as an individual.
As a Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach, and Trauma & Anxiety Specialist, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition in their relationships, careers, and health.
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Feel free to forward this to friends. I believe that all women can benefit from understanding the wisdom of their bodies, their emotions, and their souls.
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
