Strange time that we’re in now, isn’t it? The world is topsy turvy with lots of changes and a whole new level of stress and awareness. This stress can be even more exacerbated if your marriage is going through difficulties. So, how can you take the time to thrive in your marriage rather than get stuck in resentment, annoyance, and distance?
Here’s one way—it’s a version of the Shadow Exercise I do with my clients that eases emotional triggering and stress.
When we are emotionally triggered by someone, our minds fill with judgment.
“How could they have done that?! They’re so ___________.” Fill in the blank. Notice that your body reacts with stress and tension, and may communicate this to you through tight shoulders, constricted lungs and/or a clenched jaw (leading to a headache later on).
Any kind of judgment, whether it’s towards the self or towards others, is a huge factor in creating tension in the body. This tension can cause painful mindbody symptoms, those aches and pain ailments that seem to have a physical explanation —plantar fasciitis—it’s the shoes; migraine—it’s the weather—but really are the result of inner emotional tension. It’s something inside of us rather than outside of us.
And the strain to a relationship when we’re judgy is apparent.
But what can we do? It can be so challenging living and breathing in close quarters with others—their personalities, their habits, their patterns—and ours! For sure, we’re not going to like everything someone else does.
But perhaps your soul is wanting something from you. It’s asking you to stretch, stretch, stretch out of your comfort zone. Maybe it’s about dropping more ego and blind spots and becoming whole. Maybe there is an opportunity to thrive and become closer to your spouse.
Becoming whole means owning all your parts—the good, the bad, and the ugly. It may be easy to see what you like about yourself, but most of us hide from our bad and ugly.
Or it’s easy to think that we don’t even have the bad and ugly, but we for sure know that others do! It’s easy to point the finger at someone else and judge them for being lazy, selfish, stupid, foolish, arrogant, cheap, irresponsible, inept, messy etc. These judgments are normal and human. They are also projections of ourselves that G-d, the Universe, Source, is showing outside of us in order to integrate what is inside of us. These judgments are our shadow parts. And we’ve been rejecting them for years.
Let this time now be a spiritual time of change— a time to accept, love, and embrace ourselves more wholly (holy!). And by doing this we will also find more love and compassion for others. Our health will improve as will our relationships. Less judgment and tension, more inner and outer peace.
Now, a caveat here is that we should NOT ignore our ability for wise discernment. Nope—that would be a big mindbody “no-no.” Our bodies communicate with us for a reason and often it’s to discern what’s okay for us and what is not okay for us. I developed the somatic release technique called the ROAR! Process specifically to tap into our body’s messages as well as to prevent nervous system numbness and dissociation.
Let’s take a pause and quickly explore the difference between judgment and discernment.
Discernment is when there is a neutrality around what we are seeing in someone else. It’s a noticing, an awareness of someone’s personality trait. An acceptance. We are free to like or dislike what we are noticing especially when it has a negative consequence for us. IT IS NECESSARY to notice how someone’s behavior affects us. Like when a co-worker is continuously late or a friend doesn’t follow through on commitments or when a child leaves messes around or a spouse is critical. Using wise discernment, we can take action and/or speak up. It’s our job to keep ourselves safe, healthy, and respected.
Judgment differs from discernment in the sense that it’s very loud and mighty. There’s also the belief that we are more perfect than the other person and that we would never do what they are doing. It’s a very self-righteous energy!
By owning for ourselves what we are judging in another, we can be free. We can let go of the inner tension of trying to hide from our shadow and free up the energy of holding something at bay.
I invite you to try this exercise to better your marriage though it can be used for other relationships as well.
OWNING YOUR SHADOW SELF
When your mind is saying things like this:
He is irresponsible.
He is lazy.
He is so selfish.
He is so impractical. How could he think that could work?
He is inept at his job.
He makes bad decisions.
1) Notice the tension inside your body—where do you feel it? Just notice it.
2) Now, put one hand out in front of you, palm up and say: “I am ___________.” Fill in the blank with the judgment word that you have pasted on the other person. Find in your life where you are not perfect and where you do exactly what you’re complaining about the other person.
3) Take a deep belly breath in and release.
4) Now put the other hand out, palm up and say the opposite of that judgment word.
5) Take another deep belly breath in and release.
6) Now with both palms up say: “Sometimes I am _______ and sometimes I am ________. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
7) Notice if the tension inside you has relaxed a bit.
With the earlier sentences, it would look like this:
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am irresponsible when ….” — find circumstances where you acted irresponsibly. Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also responsible.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am responsible and sometimes I am irresponsible. I am both; I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am lazy when….” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also not lazy (or I am also productive).” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am lazy and sometimes I am productive. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am selfish when …” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also generous.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am generous and sometimes I am selfish. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am impractical. I did this ….and those things were very impractical.” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am also practical.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am practical and sometimes I am impractical. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I am also inept when ….” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I am not inept. I am competent.” Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I am competent and sometimes I am inept. I am both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
One hand out, palm up and say: “I make bad decisions when ….” Breathe. And then the other hand out, palm up, say: “I also make good decisions.” Breathe. Then with both palms up, say: “Sometimes I make great decisions and sometimes I make bad decisions. I do both. I am willing to own all my parts.”
Get the drift?
This little exercise may sting a bit and that is the ego letting go of its self-identity. It’s dissolving and that can feel uncomfortable at first. But when you get into the habit of owning all your parts, it’s extremely freeing, releases tension in your body and improves relationships with others. Your husband will especially appreciate and feel emotionally safer living in a judgment free home.
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Need a helping hand? Marriage Magic sessions increase the emotional safety, love, and connection in your relationship. I invite you to schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call. As a Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach, and Trauma & Anxiety Specialist, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition in their relationships, career, and health. Looking forward to hearing your voice!
Sharing a few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed and you can check out more Client Love here.
“It’s been several weeks now since beginning to work with Miriam, and I’m so happy that I decided to take a chance on somatic healing. Miriam’s grounded, intuitive approach has been most helpful in recognizing and overcoming old patterns of self-sabotage. I can gladly say that the work has had a positive effect both personally and professionally. Thank you, Miriam, for your insightful support and clarity!” – E., New York
“Many challenging waves of emotions have been arising lately which I felt I did not have outlets or tools to deal with. I felt like all these emotions were sort of stuck within me. Miriam taught me more about my waves of emotions, how to access them, work through them, ride them, and rise above them. Many times emotions can be daunting and frightening to face, but with Miriam’s insightful and practical tools, they allowed me to discover how to manage during emotional challenges to arrive at a deeper and truer place within myself. I am joyful and thankful for all the work we did together and look forward to continue to apply and integrate these wonderful coaching tools. Thank you : )” – A.C., Illinois
“I reached out to Miriam Racquel shortly after I had just gotten married as my marriage was not turning out to be the fairytale I had always dreamed it to be. Within just a few sessions I began feeling so empowered to make positive, lasting changes in my marriage that I had control over, and the wisdom I have accessed through Miriam Racquel’s help has truly transformed my marriage into the playful, passionate one that I have always desired. I love the mind-body healing work that Miriam Racquel infuses into her sessions. These practices have allowed me to release my emotions in a powerful way and give me a great sense of relief, validation, and confidence to help me move forward with love.” – N.C.G., Atlanta, Georgia
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My husband and I also work together with couples. Please seeDovidFeldman.com.
If you’re dating, I’ve got an e-guide for you: Dating Magic
“Your book is such a gift! It gives us practical tools and strategies that we can all use in real life to get rid of all that stress, anger, and fear that we carry around!” — Vera Kessler
And enjoy my memoir,God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife, for a humorous and authentic journey into the world of Kabbalistic Judaism. In pic below, that’s Judge Ruchi Freier! She loved the book and recommends it all the time to people she meets. I am grateful.
“This book was so inspiring, the story draws you in from the first page to the last, bringing you along her life transformation. I’m so grateful to Miriam Raquel for sharing her story with us, and I highly recommend this book!!” – C. Carlbach
Love & blessings,
Miriam Racquel
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach and Trauma & Anxiety Specialist
